CDTF is back. My sincere apologies for the absence (I had what felt like swine flu and about sixteen court hearings over the past two weeks). What better way to kick things off than to talk about a few of my favorite things? Baseball, scandals, Ryan Braun, and his penis.
When I saw that Ryan Braun had tested positive for PEDs, I almost lost it. Please. I wasn’t shocked or anything. I was angry. I wish I could say that I was angry because he is a fraud or, worse, may have cheated. Nope. I do not have sound morals, let’s be serious. I was irate because my new favorite player, the MVP of Joe Girardi’s Braces – the SOLE reason I lobbied for a keeper league all season – could be sitting out for 50 games. I mean, good god, he was a fantasy baseball wet dream. Homers, steals, hits, total bases, RBIs, walks, batting average, he has it all. After I got over my initial rage, my first thought was: would you keep/draft him anyway? (Yes). My second thought was: hopefully, the lord told Adrian Gonzalez to take steroids, too.
For what it’s worth, Braun has strenuously denied using PEDs. In fact, this whole scandal may just be the result of his dirty, dirty penis. There are rumors swirling around that my MVP has HPV, i.e. herpes. He apparently tested positive for it, and the medication he was prescribed caused his testosterone levels to shoot through the roof. This could explain Braun’s silence on the matter; his attorneys plan to vigorously pursue the person who leaked the story under a violation of his HIPAA rights. This could also explain why my team tanked the final week of the season after going undefeated; our entire virtual clubhouse was infected with fucking herpes.