February 15, 2011

10 Things Chicks Do Not Dig.

In a somewhat regular feature here at CDTF, we will discuss 10 things - in no particular order - that we, in fact, do NOT dig.  Luckily for you, this is one of those posts:
Chicks do not dig:

1.  Our athletes and/or teams to be overly rapey or sexual-harassment driven, such as with Albert Haynesworth, Ben Roethisberger, Mark Sanchez, Brett Favre, Lawrence Taylor, the 2005 Minnesota Vikings, KRod, Johan Santana, Kobe Bryant, Mike Tyson, or Isaiah Thomas. The philandering Tiger, ARod, The Rocket, and other one-named people also fall along the periphery of this category.

2.  Stupid female sports broadcasters. Let the Erin Andrews debate begin. 

3.  When a game is on while two extremely important television shows - such as 30 Rock, Pretty Little Liars, or Good Wife, amongst about 42 others – are being DVRed at the same time. This forces us to choose between two can’t-miss shows (especially when we really can’t stand to watch TV on our laptops) and our favorite team. I want to be able to record two shows AND watch live TV, all at once. Please send your complaints to Time Warner. 

4.  Anything other than light beer (or the rare, delicious cider) at a game. We do not want a terrible tasting boxed white wine in a plastic cup while watching baseball. A beer will be perfect, please do not get creative.

5.  Being spoken to or treated like we are clueless about sports. Many of us are, no doubt; however, the rest of us hate those dumb bitches, too. 

6.  Being proposed to at a sporting event, no matter how big of a fan we may or may not be of that particular team. I would like to be buried in Yankee Stadium or Cameron Indoor, but I do not want to get engaged there. Do not put my name or “Will you marry me?” behind any congratulations to Boy Scout Troop #421 or Sally on her 11th birthday. The answer will not be yes.
7.  Being catcalled or whistled at randomly while walking through a stadium. Sure, it may make our egos swell for a good ten seconds, but then it gets sort of creepy and just gross. Especially if you find the same drunken bald dude in a Hideki Irabu jersey following you from the beer vendor to the cotton candy stand. I doubt, strongly, that anyone has ever scored by starting a relationship with “Hey baby, nice knockers.” If you want our attention, come talk to us. With words. Not crude tongue gestures. That goes out to you, arguably homeless man on the corner of 14th Street and First Avenue. 

8.  When we are teased for commenting about the mascot, uniforms, or hotness of any particular team or player. These are essential elements to the game, which make our spectatorship all the more enjoyable. Do not take this away from us. You are lucky we like sports in the first place. 

9.  When you assume that we do not want to go to the game with you. We probably do. We would probably have a lot of fun together, even if you (wrongly) think that your boy, Bob from high school, would be more entertaining. And we would probably get pretty wasted and put out afterward. Which we hope that Bob does not do.  

10.  When you share your stories of little league glory, fantasy triumph, and high school holiness and do not expect us to do the same. Please. We have also stolen home and hit one out and scored the game-winner.  Grab a bottle of wine or six, invite us into your fantasy league, and let’s discuss. 

8 comments:

  1. I'm guessing that "The Mick" fits both criteria of #1 - philandering and one named sports hero...(See Mickey mantle is not a ........)

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  2. Regarding #6 - My b-i-l, asked his ex wife to marry him at yankee stadium during the 7th inning stretch of a NYY - Baltimore game way back in the mid eighties. That they ended up in divorce cannot be blamed on either MLB or the Yankees but perhaps is an additional reason to not dig this...you can look it up!

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  3. 1. Agree, but you can't leave out Shawn Kemp.
    2. Agree, but, no matter what team she palys for, leave Ms. Kolber out of this. Not dumb.
    3. Agree, but, good luck with Crime Warner.
    4. Can i have a non-light beer, please?
    5. Agree, counselor.
    6. Sorry, guilty. Old (Real) Yankee Stadium. T Fab P saw it happen.
    7. Nolo contendere.
    8. Enjoy as you will.
    9. Eww, Bob.
    10.Ah, guilty. Sorry. Lesson learned.

    - Manhattan man

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  4. #10. Typo? Please tell me "and don't expect us to do the same" is what you meant to say? Real athletes, whatever sex, have been involved in true drama - the nature of the beast. My stories only involved surfing (injury drama only), but I loved hearing about game winners/losers from girlfriends and girl friends.

    When my oldest was 8 or so, we had to wait for a league softball game to end before his game. We arrived in the 3rd inning and the 6-inning game went 11. Possibly the greatest baseball game I've ever seen ('cept the last 4 in the '04 ALCS - sorry). Every inning was a run or two in the top, and a tie in the bottom. These girls were about 12 and the celebration at the end, including in the stands, was amazing. My son totally "got it."

    Any guy that doesn't want to know about this game from any one of those girls in a few years is a moron. He'll learn more about her from the description of that game than in practically any other way. There's a reason (probably several) that so many of the Duke men's team are at the women's games.

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  5. Oh, #3: ATT UVerse, baby! Go online and see if it's in your zipcode yet (it not, it will be soon). Supposed to be 4 simultaneous (2 of them HD) but they auto upgrade all the time and the other day we had 3 HD and 2 non-HD programs, including Duke/UNC, recording at the same time. Fire Time Warner the second you are able.

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  6. All of your comments cracked me up.

    And good call on the typo sanfran; it is fixed.

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  7. If that mustachioed man told me I had nice knockers and asked me to marry him, I would say yes and then put out. You know why? Because the Bluejays are a super cute mascot.

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  8. Carrie, I'm sorry that I have to ruin your perfect last comment by commenting after it, but someone also has to acknowledge it. Way to pull the entire post together. Pitch perfect.

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