After Hank Steinbrenner’s latest unnecessary comments about the Yankees being too focused on “building mansions” than winning championships, it dawned on me what a soap opera this season is already turning out to be. Andy Pettitte said it’s not us, it’s him, and galloped back to his Texas ranch. The Yankees, on the whole, are obese whalecows. ARod is getting fed on national television. Tex is whining that we are the $200 million underdogs. Derek Jeter is nearing the age of elderly. Robbie Cano was late to spring training, because he thought it was winter and no one ever taught him to read a calendar. The only thing missing so far is Bartolo Colon fighting a Gatorade cooler. I mean, it is not even March. This is all new levels of drama. And I feel like I am being forced to watch something that I have no desire to see. Like Avatar, but worse.
So in light of the upcoming Academy Awards, I found myself thinking about baseball movies that I would want to see. Starring a cast of players that do not scare the bejesus out of me. After careful consideration of numerous cinematic sources, I came up with a starting roster. At worst, I promise that it would be more entertaining to watch than this ongoing prequel entitled “New York Yankees 2011.” Without further ado, the CDTF All-Star All-Fake Box-Office Smashers:
- Willie Mays Hayes, Centerfield (Major League): He plays like Mays and runs like Hayes, making him the perfect lead-off hitter. A constant threat on the base paths, he would be a nightmare for any pitcher (other than Andy Pettitte with his incredible pick-off move. Oh wait). He strikes out too often, so his on-base percentage may suffer, but he has definitely improved in that area. The guy bought 100 pairs of batting gloves to nail to the wall for each stolen base; he deserves a chance based on audacity alone.
- Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, Shortstop (The Sandlot): In the social hierarchy of backyard baseball, Benny is a legend and a leader. He can play every position, so he makes a great utility guy, and he was good enough to start in the major leagues until he was in his late thirties. I also think that he grew facial hair by then, but who knows? He is not afraid of huge beasts, so he would be able to face Joba. Everyone in his fam says that he reminds them of his creepy uncle Alex, when he was much younger. But then Uncle Alex started doing drugs and having relations with blonde women, and no one wants that for Benny. Especially Smalls, who is currently writing Benny’s uncensored biography.
- Dottie Hinson, Catcher (A League of Their Own): The consummate professional, Dottie is by far the best player in the league. She hits for power and is a defensive cat behind the plate. She also does splits while running for foul balls, and I would pretty much guarantee that Jorge can no longer (ever) do that. Dottie is quiet, a workhorse, and can shoulder the stress of a dramatic pitching staff. This woman has dealt with her husband fighting in a world war, her jealous sister trying to attack her, and constant harassment from men at The Suds Bucket who don’t know any better. She has been my idol since I was 11-years-old.
- Roy Hobbs, Right Field (The Natural): Well, this seems obvious. The dude has an unnatural natural ability to rock the ball wherever he wants. Even though he missed games because of injury and became distracted by crazy bitches, he was a monster. He was so good that the leather literally jumped off the ball. Roy also made the most of a second chance, and I like that attitude in my ballplayers. Bill Simmons once predicted his stats, based on his one season with the New York Knights:
G AB R H BB K HR RBI AVG OBP SLG
115 400 92 140 75 85 44 106 .350 .447 .750
115 400 92 140 75 85 44 106 .350 .447 .750
I mean, that is ridiculous. 44 homeruns in 115 games, with a .350 average. So yes, sign us up for Roy Hobbs. And I am sure it would tweak the Yankees to sign our cross-city rival’s biggest star. Please, the Mets do not count. Also? I may or may not want to sleep with him on road trips. Thanks.
5. Crash Davis, DH (Bull Durham): My feelings for Crash are well-known. A switch-hitter with pop, this former catcher has gotten too old to play behind the plate every day. His knees bother him, and he is most likely headed to a position on the coaching staff in a few years. For now, however, his leadership and experience could provide the glue and chemistry needed in any locker room. And he still a threat to knock in runs, especially in late-game situations. Let’s give him one last shot at The Show.
6. Jack Elliot, First Base (Mr. Baseball): Speaking of players in the twilight of their careers, Jack Elliot is pretty ancient. A former World Series MVP, he is coming back from a stint overseas, where he fixed a hole in his swing and proved that he can still provide solid production in the middle of a line-up. He also learned to adjust to a new culture there, which will make him an example for all of our celebrity players to follow. It is rumored that he is still the “biggest thing to hit Japan since Godzilla,” other than cheap internet porn. This could be great for marketing and our international following. That said, I will only sign him if the mustache is included.
7. Doris Murphy, Third Base (A League of Their Own):
This bitch can hit. She is a sassy New Yorker, loyal to her teammates, and doesn’t take shit from anyone. She even threatened a child with a bat and I like that in a lady. Surprisingly, she protects the hot corner well, stabbing line drives and diving for balls in foul territory. Since Dottie is on the Smashers, I am confident that Doris will remain in line. Her best friend is also a huge slut (there ain't men in this country who haven't seen her bosoms), so I feel like the other players will enjoy such a perk.
8. Kelly Leak, Left Field (The Bad News Bears): A blue chip prospect with the makings of a big league hitter. He is also the best available left fielder on the movie market. My one concern is his Hanley Ramirez-like attitude. He knows he is good, he knows he is needed, and he doesn’t give a fuck. He could cause locker room problems down the road, but with a veteran line-up like the Smashers’ and some guidance, he could be the next big thing. Since the approximate age of our roster is 68-years-old, young talent like Mr. Leak is vital to our balance and competitive ability in the future.
9. Mickey “Domo” Dominguez, Second Base (Summer Catch): Domo is one of the best second basemen in college baseball, scores a lot of runs, and makes some big plays in the field… Listen, I couldn’t draft any additional players from the Rockford Peaches or Cleveland Indians; Marla Hooch and Roger Dorn were unavailable. So we were left with Domo, which is not a terrible thing, but not like the Carmelo Anthony of this pre-season.
The Pitching Staff:
Ed (Ed): The publicity alone is a gold-mine, even better than Pat Venditte, that crazy switch-throwing pitcher that the Yankees discovered.
Henry Rowengarten (Rookie of the Year): Forget the crazy Strasburg-like arm and injury-plagued career, he took the Cubs to the World Series. Enough said.
Ricky “The Wild Thing” Vaughn (Major League): Former felon + nerd glasses + mullet + 100 mph fastball + ladie’s man + theme song that rivals “Enter Sandman” = awesome.
Billy Chapel (For Love of the Game): In a roster of baseball movie stars, it seems silly not to include Kevin Costner. Billy is nearing 300-wins, a sure-thing Hall of Famer, and offers veteran guidance to an otherwise immature and non-human pitching staff.
The Front Office:
Owner: Billy Heywood (Little Big League)