February 24, 2011

Batting Practice, Bitches: The New Cast

This is like CDTF's version of Hot Topics, minus Baba Wawa, Tracy Jordan's wife, that cranky conservative bitch, the menopausal liberal, and that Mel Gibson-loving reggae lady. An awkward setting, fueled by mutual animosity and adoration, where we tee up against softball topics and needlessly discuss things that do not matter. 
Today, with tremendous gratitude and an excitement that rivals a teeny bopper for Justin Bieber, we welcome the new and much-improved cast of Batting Practice, Bitches.  These ladies hail from all over the United States, offering their witty commentary and groundbreaking analysis solely for the CDTF viewing audience. It has been rumored that they are the real reason why Regis Philbin opted for an early retirement.  Please look for their first episode later this week; but for now, some quick hellos and headshots are in order:

Amber

I am a southerner, a VERY casual sports-watcher (I like the Olympics for the pageantry and ice skating/rhythmic gymnastics outfits), and a valuer of my own opinions. I am not Amber Riley.

Interests/Activities: Being sassy, not angry; Justin Timberlake; Determining whether or not Justin Timberlake is into black girls; Barack and Michelle; Learning from Whitney Houston's mistakes.

Sports hero(es): Quincy McCall and Monica Wright, later, Quincy McCall and Monica Wright-McCall; Muggsy Bogues.

Favorite Quotation:  Quincy: “What are we playing for?”
                                        Monica: “Your Heart.”

Carrie

In the course of one of the million icebreaker activities in which I have participated over the course of my touchy-feely people-person professional life, someone once made the mistake of asking me what I am particular about. First, I casually laughed it off and said "Oh, me? Gosh, I'm pretty easygoing most of the time, really...," and then, in an effort to do my part in keeping this scintillating introductory conversation going, I tried to push on: "Well... I guess I'm sort of particular about…fonts? It's not a big deal, but yeah, I mean, I really can't stand Times New Roman. Because seriously, how boring? And god, don't even get me started on Comic Sans, like what the fuck? I'm not typing a circus. But Kristen, which I like, is cute but a little informal for something like a paper or a cover letter, so I usually go with Arial, unless I am sort of sick of that, in which case, I'd probably go with Tahoma, but only if I can use it in size 11, because it's a little overbearing in 12pt."

"Oh... interesting. Anything else?"

"Well, now that you mention it...I'm not a huge fan of crowded places, I don't really like when guys use excessive amounts of hair gel, I can't stand if I am peeing and there are huge cracks in the bathroom stall doors that people can see through even if I don't think they'll look, I go out of my way driving to avoid making unprotected left-hand turns, I can't stand when carnations are involved in flower arrangements, not super crazy about any form of the word "tit,” and I have to physically restrain myself from punching people in the face that spell c-words with k’s. But…I think that's pretty much it?"

Hi, I'm Carrie. Turns out I am particular about practically everything - including things you didn't realize people could form opinions about.  Lucky for you? That includes sports. Any other open-ended questions you'd like to ask? 

Jill

Jill hails from the suburbs of Long Island, home to Amy Fisher and Jill's childhood idol, Debbie Gibson. There, she developed a mouth like a sailor and shared the same fifth-grade teacher as Rosie O’Donnell. Jill then spent a decade in the south, where she was inducted into the cult of Cameron Crazies and trained to be an officer of the (non-basketball) court.  Her college athletic highlights include becoming a varsity beer pong player and baby oil wrestler.  Later, she returned to the Big Apple, where she obsesses over sports, orders in dinner much too frequently, and often goes out on disastrous dates.  Jill is thankful for her friends, George Steinbrenner, cotton candy, crossword puzzles, champagne, the Convention Against Torture, inheriting her father’s metabolism, the ability to juggle, cheeseburgers, free internet porn, Taylor Swift, her Blackberry, women leaders who aren’t Sarah Palin, and sweatpants.  A cross between All the Way Mae, Nancy Drew, Brenda Walsh, Monica Gellar, and Erin Brockovich, Jill is in fact none of those women.  She is currently the starting centerfielder of the Central Park reigning champion Wolfpack softball team, as well as a rookie for the One Sip, One Flip kickball team.  Jill is afraid of bumble bees. 

Robin

A non-profit gal that loves summer camp (where she met Carrie and Amber), Robin is everybody's favorite Jewish American Princess sports fan. While Snooki and J-Woww have defaced her home state, Robin moved to Boston after grad school and has reconsidered her self-proclaimed "life long" dedication to the New Jersey Nets. While she can school you in mid-90s to early 2000's NBA basketball, she is not averse to picking her March Madness bracket to ensure that every team has at least one person in the world that thinks they may win a game. This strategy was learned when she continued to pick Stanley Roberts (a 400-pound basketball player) for the NBA All-Star game starting at age 8 as to preserve his confidence and feelings. She can't tell you much about football or hockey, but her denim mini-skirt fell down in the parking lot of a New Jersey Devils game when she was in the 1st grade, and she spent the rest of the game obsessed with the Zamboni machine and has never really cared for anything besides the good fights she sees on sports replay on the evening news.  Favorite sports memories include barking like a dog at age 9 in a basketball game to distract the other team (which her dad had mentioned he saw on TV – she has always been a daddy's girl and thought it would work well in her rec basketball league too, though her team was losing by 15), insulting Carla from Top Chef via Twitter by comparing her looks to Reggie Miller and "Singing for Her Supper" at a Kissimmee Astros minor league baseball game (10 free chicken wings at Hooters--SCORE!). Unrelated to sports (besides maybe the snacking which she finds equally important), Robin is a HUGE fan of Trader Joes and her crockpot.
These bitches are sure to hit it out of the park. Consider yourselves forewarned.

No comments:

Post a Comment