February 25, 2011

Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Space Jam, Pot Brownies, and La La Vazquez

This is like CDTF's version of Hot Topics, minus Baba Wawa, Tracy Jordan's wife, that cranky conservative bitch, the menopausal liberal, and that Mel Gibson-loving reggae lady. An awkward setting, fueled by mutual animosity/adoration, where we tee up against softball topics and discuss things that do not matter.
Everyone is talking about Carmelo Anthony, but no one is talking about the woman behind the jersey.  Today, as this week’s guest moderator, we welcome La La Vazquez.  


La La: What up? What up? I am baaaack, bitches. Back to New York, that is.  Some people say that I was a driving force behind Melo’s big trade, but I just want to set the record straight right here at CDTF: I was. I was, motherfuckers. I plotted this “dream come true” for the past eight months. I wanted out of Denver.  Denver stifled my star, my shining star, but now here in the bright lights, I will sparkle again. And it is about damn time. But here’s how the story goes: Both of my parents are Nuyorican, as we call it back in Brooklyn. I moved to Hotlanta in high school, met up with my boy Luda on a show called Future Flavas, studied communications at Howard University, and then moved out to L.A. because I thought it would be cool to live in a city named after me.  MTV begged me to audition and then made me wait a year before they finally gave me a job.  Let me tell you, no one puts La La in a corner. I hosted Total Request Live, Direct Effect, and MTV2 Hip Hop. Before I knew it, I was getting an 8-carat rock and popping out our little Kiyan. I know you all have seen me recently in one of the 36 reality show reunion specials I have hosted or in my blockbuster movie Soul Plane. If you haven’t, you can catch me on my new show, La La’s Full Court Press on VH1, where we document our move to New York and I hang with my besties, Kelly Rowland, Trina, Ciara, and Kim Kardashian.  But right now, I am chilling with these ladies who want to be my besties, so let’s humor them.

La La:  You may or may not be aware that I am married to an NBA superstar. And I happened to be in L.A. last weekend for all of the festivities, so I was wondering:

What are your thoughts on Justin Bieber winning MVP at the celebrity All-Star game and/or taking over the world?

Carrie:  There's a chance I will never know why (I do know why, it's because I was lame and a home alone on a Saturday night - case closed, mystery solved) I was watching the All Star festivities last weekend. I do not enjoy professional basketball, and you know what else? I don't like TNT. But I happened upon TNT (four clicks down from Bravo) in the first half of the Celebrity All-Star game and immediately saw Scottie Pippen's beautiful (sort of flat) face and there I stayed for the next like five hours. Even though my man Scottie (on whom my crush dates waaaaay back at least two decades) was clearly dominating the entire game and in truth, was really the actual MOST valuable player out there, I was proud of Lil' Biebs. He for sure held his own and was definitely facing more skepticism and doubt as a teeny bopping celebrity about whether he could play than like a seven-time NBA all-star. I'm just going to come out and say it, though: I am not a big fan of Bieb's new haircut. There's something awk about how trimmed up the ends are, no?

Amber: I really, really struggled with my feelings for Justin Bieber. The first time I heard "Baby," I was like, "Ugh, I wish that little girl would shut the fuck up," and then I turned my radio to my usual station foxy107, where baby-making music and the occasional Kirk Franklin song are the norm. But THEN, one night after Cosby reruns on Nick at Nite, I saw his little cherubic face, and bowlcut2k on the screen. I didn't stand a chance. I immediately wanted a Beiber of my own to sit on my dresser and sing to me while I pick my clothes in morning. At first it was a guilty pleasure. I would just turn it up on the car, or wiggle a little bit if it came on at work. But that wasn't enough, I needed Beiber when I wanted him, so I bought some songs on ITUNEs. Now, Justin Beiber's first album is part of the six CD rotation in my car, and the ticket stub from 'Never Say Never' is pinned to my bulletin board. If he is taking over the world, he got me.

La La: That’s…nice? You probably weren’t courtside like me, but did you catch the game, Jill?

Jill:  At the time, while the television was on TNT, it was muted; I was giving my neighbors an impromptu concert, much to their delight, mostly rocking out to the Glee soundtrack. I am a baller, I know. I happened to glance up, and I was mesmerized by this little person with hair that shimmered like an angel’s halo, and a jumpshot that rivaled a sixth-grade girl’s.  Crossover, step back, drain a high-arcing three-pointer? Is that…? Nooo, it’s not… But maybe….? Yes, yes it was. The Biebs! To demonstrate the extent of his powers, I found myself lowering the iPod volume and listening in awe to the announcers explain how this tiny basketball wizard had never even played on an organized team before; I watched as D-list celebrities, such as the cousin of an uncle of the brother of a Kardashian, looked on in bewildered confusion at the rock of their offense, a 105-pound white kid with a famous haircut.  They were impressed. We were all impressed.  And stunned. Justin Bieber was MVP of the celebrity all-star game over Scottie Pippin, a real-life actual all-star.  Hide yo kids, hide yo wife.  

La La: Please don’t talk shit about my best friend’s family or I will cut you.  Seriously. I got kicked out of Game 4 of the 2009 playoffs after I fought with some Mavs’ fan. Do not test me.  Robin, thoughts?

Robin:  There are just so many places to go with this. I mean we are talking about a CHILD who has BANGS that beat a MAN who still ends his first name with an IE. Like is this for real? Or dare I say fo'rizzle. I've been dabbling with bangs my whole life. It's a constant on-again-off-again debate. Do I grow them out? Do I thin them out (remember thin bangs?!). Do I just suck it up and wear headbands (at this point, I don't wear headbands, I ROCK headbands. I noticed this morning that, besides the delightful one atop my head, I have three other choices in the car. Question to the audience: should I change my headband for my hot date tonight?). Nonetheless, I know that Beebs has talent vocally, and because he's an actual TEEN and not an OLD MAN, like of course he is going to be "better" in a celeb-type basketball game (Also who remembers "Rock and Jock" on MTV? Dean Cain (a.k.a. New Superman) was AMAZING at R&J basketball and making the 50 point shots. Would anyone else sign my petition to try and bring it back? Cause I'd have more to comment on Bieber’s "winning" if he were to wear an obscene number on his jersey (pretty sure Brit Brit Spears was 1/2) and go one-on-one with my MAN Scottie WITH the 50 point shot). (Also, have I mentioned that I LOVE parentheses.? The world should be forewarned).  ALSO, doesn't "Bieber and Bangs Take On America" sorta remind anyone else of "Hanson: Three ‘Boys’ That Made Girls Scream?” A modern day rendition of sorts. True Life: I have been to THREE Hanson concerts in my lifetime. Hmm, I wonder what Taylor Hanson would look like with bangs?

La La: I hear you, girl. People confuse Bieber for a girl like people confuse me, a proud Black Puerto Rican, as simply black. And there is nothing wrong with that, I embrace my heritage. Hold on. The producers are telling me to move on, so we don’t have another scandal like last time.  I don’t know what they want from me, I just tell it like it is, fools:

If you could have front-row tickets to any fake sporting event (i.e from a TV show or movie), what game/championship would you want to see live?

Robin: Okay, I would like to ask the panel if it could be a book? Because if so, the obvious answer is a battle of "Kristy's Krushers" vs. "Bart's Bashers" in Stonybrook Little League. Yes ladies and gents, I am talking about The Babysitter's Club. Cue up, "If you really need a friend, ho na na hay." (True Life: When I would get home drunk in college, my roommate and I would watch The Babysitter's Club movie on VHS). To see the battle between the tomboy and Bart (who we really never learned that much about) would just be STELLAR. I'd totally see Maryanne with the gorgeous penmanship being the manager/scorekeeper (Confession: I was the manager of the men's basketball team in college and have a piece of the net from when we won our Division III Conference tournament. Yep, I got to cut down the net. Then a reality star tried to take my job...). Stacey would go into Diabetic shock from overexerting herself. Claudia would help design kick-ass uniforms (probably including scrunchie socks), and Dawn would be picking the grass in the outfield or yelling at people about the environmental dangers of pesticide use. (What about STEROIDS, Dawn?!). I'd have Karen Brewer sit next to me and provide EXPERT commentary with her blankets (she has two cause she's a divorced kid). I can pretty much write whatever I want right now, because not ONE person is still reading this. But you asked it, so you got it.

La La: Um, yeah, it cannot be a book.  Does anyone have a movie, like I fucking asked for in the first place?



Amber: This is hard. I THINK I would want to go to the basketball game in Space Jam. I would bring weed brownies.



La La: This is not hard. You are trippin', maybe literally.  Come on girls, just a movie or television show!


 
Jill: There are so many fake sporting events that I have actively yearned to attend. The Mighty Ducks beating the Hawks on Pacey Witter’s penalty shot.  A.C. Slater’s Bayside wrestling championship. The Gellar Cup on Friends. Billy Chapel’s perfect game.  Happy Gilmore’s final round with that crazy trick shot, when he fought Bob Barker, an alligator, and saved his grandma’s house. The Olympic figure-skating final in The Cutting Edge; the sexual tension was electric. But if I could see only one fake sporting event? Hands down, the final game between the Racine Belles and the Rockford Peaches.  I would have been proud, I would have loved the historical aspect of it, I would have been incredibly into the game itself, and I would have idolized the players. Rocking my Hinson #8 jersey, it would have been devastating when Dottie dropped the ball and the Peaches lost.  I mean, it would have been my own personal Zapruder film. Was it intentional? Did she want her sister to finally achieve a past-due moment of glory?  Would the heroic Dottie Hinson ever give less than 100% or purposely throw a game?! I think I would have hated that Kit Keller; bitch was always causing drama. Sure, she was good, but she was like the ARod to Dottie’s Derek Jeter. A constant distraction and headache. And she may have cost the Rockford Peaches the championship. Clearly, this bothers me. Jesus, if I had actually been at the game? I think that I would still be talking about it. And that, my friends, is the making of a can’t-miss fake sporting event.

La La: I am not your friend. And I asked for one. ONE FUCKING MOVIE. Oh my god, what is wrong with these whores? One can’t follow directions, one is a stoner, and one is a rambling conspiracy theorist. What about you, can you answer the question?

Carrie:  I figured out a couple of years ago that it's not that I hate football, it's just that I vastly prefer cinematic football to actual real football. Give me an inspirational highlight clip set to a kickass song with a couple of quick cuts to a few hand-wringing moments in the stands or celebratory make-out sessions scattered throughout and I will profess to LOVE football. I'm sloooowly developing an enjoyment of real football, but I could seriously watch TV/movie football all day every day and die happy. So, I have a few favorites, but hands down, the season one finale of Friday Night Lights is the one I'd most want to re-experience in person. Hailing from a Varsity Blues-esque town myself, I love the idea of how invested those local fans are in their team (though I never was, obvi) that they'd travel all that way in dry desert Texas just to see the Panthers compete at the 'ships. And then I would like to have my own personal highlight reel of making out with Tim Riggins. Set to this song.

La La: I hate football, too, but you know that this topic had nothing to do with football, right? You could have talked about any sport at all. So no, apparently no one can listen. What about baseball, maybe that subject is more compelling:

Do you consider the New York Yankees (and their $200M payroll) an "underdog," as Mark Teixeira called them last week?

Amber: I don't consider the Yankees underdogs. They are one of the three baseball teams I can name. Also, I can name two or three of their players. But $200M? FOR REAL? I feel like for $200M the owners could support gubernatorial/senatorial race of the dude from the "Rent is 2 Damn High Party.” That would REALLY bring some pride to the city.


La La: You’re right. It would bring almost as much pride as having native-born La La Vazquez back home. Holla. 

 

Jill: Tex needs to stop bitching and focus on hitting, which he seemed to partially forget how to do last season.  The Yankees, given their payroll and stature, can never be called an underdog. It is a ludicrous notion. Do I think we will be as dominant as in years past? No, I think this season is shaping up to be tumultuous and disappointing.  But would it really surprise anyone if we won the World Series?  I expect us to have a shot at it every year, and this season is no different. The only difference is that we are not predicted to win the championship this year - but that is how it has been for 29 other teams, each year for the past decade. And god knows that the Yankees did not win each of those pre-season predicted titles.  We still have an all-star at every position in the line-up. We still have one top-notch ace, a budding ace in Phil Hughes, a broken ace in A.J. Burnett, and then a collection of spare parts. Our bullpen is rock solid. It would be foolish and shortsighted to ever consider the Yankees underdogs. I only hope that Boston fans are that stupid, and I am pretty confident that they are.  

LaLa:  Jill stop glaring at Carrie, she is only a casual supporter of the Red Sox.  You really should not take the Yankees so personally, it is unbecoming.  Do you have a response, Carrie?

Carrie: I think the Yankees aren't going to be great this year, that's for sure. But underdog? That's a little melodramatic. And I know from melodrama, folks. As a huge fan of comebacks and unexpected victors, there's very little intrigue or drama involved in the fate of the Yankee's win-loss record in any year. If they suck this season, no huge surprise since their roster's not looking real solid right now, but also no real heartbreak. If they're good, it's easy to just be like "well, they're the Yankees, of course they were going to end up being great." It's a lose-lose if you're looking for a fun comeback/rise up! story. Their pinstripes, on the other hand? Win-win.

Robin: I could totally stand up on a soap box (like on Friday nights at camp), and speak from my non-profit salaried heart about "underdog" gazillionaires, but then I would inevitably have to talk about Latrell Sprewell and how he "had to feed his family" on only $14.6 million a year. But I've recently come to the conclusion that these jerks start foundations, and foundations fund my job and me helping kids, so like call yourself whatever you want underdog, just send us a check. Is it sad that with $200 million, I'd probably just pay off the remaining payments on my Honda Civic, buy my apartment and order more takeout sushi? G-d I am so boring and predictable. I'd also probably just buy a Droid or IPhone and say a big FU to Verizon about having to wait for my "New Every Two." And pay for the upgrade on my Comcast so that I can get the Oprah Winfrey Network. SPLURGE for sure. Ohh and I'd probably want a building named after me at my alma mater. But like a building that serves smoothies and has a sauna and cooking classes (A "Happiness" Center as opposed to a "Wellness" Center). I am sorta mad at myself for being so boring.

La La:  You know who isn’t boring? This lady:

Karen Sypher (i.e., convicted extorter of Rick Pitino): crazy bitch or victim of a political system? 

Amber: Wait, for real? CRAZY BITCH, obviously! I was a little unfamiliar with this case so I had to do some googling. The first link I came across was about the testimony of an attorney who she was using to sue Rick Pitino. In his testimony, the attorney reveals that Karen gave him a bj and agreed to photographed! adljkfadshfajkfhjkah! There are pictures! Homegirl needed a hot oil treatment, BAD. But, she also looks happy and excited. I guess the oral sex was kind of a coupon for lawyering fees, and who doesn't like saving money? Really though, I think she is desperate lady approaching middle age, and whose looks are fading. Karen, booboo, if you want a sugar daddy, move to Boca and hang out at the mall.

 
Jill: Remember on 90210, when Valerie Malone pretended to get knocked up and tried to extort $100K from that married dude, even sending his wife Pampers, before Brandon gave her an ultimatum to return the money? Yeah, Karen Sypher is sane like that.  Throughout this whole scandal, she has pulled some ridiculous stunts.  Like trading sex for testimony.  Trust me, if you could rely on such witnesses, I’m pretty sure I’d advise my clients to do the same. But no one should be that stupid, okay? And that is my problem with this – Karen Sypher was so DUMB. She changed her story, her allegations, and her lawyer. She lied to the FBI. She deserves to be penalized.  That said, 87 months is SUCH a long time.  I mean, I have represented cocaine traffickers and wife beaters and million-dollar-credit-card-scammers who have gotten less jail time. I know that it was the minimum sentence, but I just think that this case should have been disposed of ages ago.  She should have taken a plea bargain and moved on.  She should have apologized publicly instead of amping up her rhetoric. She should have offered to give the judge a blowjob instead of her clearly unreliable witnesses.  Anything other than the weak defense she presented at trial.  I think she got in over her head and then became desperate (and continues to be desperate) to get out of the mess she created. But 87 months is an incredibly long time for a non-violent criminal who has children at home.  It is a dirty, unnecessary, sad situation for all. Like when Halle Berry fucks Billy Bob in Monster’s Ball. Can you…make me…feel good? Ugh, I cringe every time. (NSFW).

La La: That was truly horrifically unnecessary.  I don’t know if you all remember this, but three bastards, three bastards who spit on me, tried to extort $3 million from my man after they videotaped him in a bar fight. He had only been in that bar fight to protect me.  I feel very strongly about this subject.  How do you feel about extortion, Carrie?

Carrie: Can I be honest here? I don't actually understand what extortion is. Like, it sounds awful (probably because of how it rhymes with abortion). But it's one of those things that I pretend to understand in context, but I've never actually had to understand in a more nuanced way than that. Anyway, I haven't been following this story. And from what I just confessed, even if I had, it stands to reason that I would not have understood what exactly I was following. But, if I had to pinpoint a victim in all this... I'd probably go with Rick Pitino's hair. Because? What the eff is going on there? Poor, helpless hair. That bouffant's the bitch.

 
Robin: I know nothing about the woman, nor do I even really care. But I have to give my New Jersey Nets a shoutout and bring us all back to the John Calipari years. John Calipari was a coach at UMass (yes UMASS, not like Duke) and then became a coach of an NBA team?! (This is connected, Rick Pitino was coach of the Celtics during this time too, and I sorta think the two look alike).  I love the random-ass conferences, and I love UMass (a lot of my "Boston Besties" went there). But like, the NBA? Are we serious?! No wonder the mascot "Super Dunk" was held together with duct tape and on Chris Morris's sneakers, written in marker, said "Trade Me.” (Right again, no one cares or knows what I am talking about. But I know my 90's NBA basketball, especially when it involves my NJ Nets. Speaking of which, I once saw Tate George, a Stanley Roberts caliber player at a Ponderosa Steak House when I was 12. I spotted him eating with his family at a Sizzler knockoff. Talk about NBA). So like, yes the woman probably extorted Rick Pitino (John Calipari), but like Rick Pitino (and John Calipari) extorted the NBA with their coaching. So I am calling for a tie.

La La: I need a drink after that. You ladies are a real piece of work. You can have those Nets; Newark would have stifled my star, too. I just couldn’t have that. Poor Deron Williams. Thank you everyone and tune in next week. I won't be here, but some other lucky bitch will be.

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