February 9, 2011

Batting Practice, Bitches.

This is like CDTF's version of Hot Topics, minus Baba Wawa, Tracy Jordan's wife, that cranky conservative bitch, the menopausal liberal, and that Mel Gibson-loving reggae lady. An awkward setting, fueled by mutual animosity, where we tee up against softball topics and needlessly argue over things that do not matter in any way, shape, or form. Today, the Yankees are on deck.
1. Watch out, Nick Swisher is moving up from bleacher creature to front-page feature.

Great piece in the Wall Street Journal. To summarize: Nick Swisher makes up for his lack of natural skillz on the baseball field by being one of the coolest motherfuckers on earth. Even cooler than that douchebag A-Rod and the Baseball Jesus himself, Derek Jeter. Swish utilizes the interweb, married the chick from Privileged who banged it out with Nate Archibald, and spends his free time doing philanthropy and other non-felonious activities. The article also mentions how he drove a Mercedes race car against P.Diddy, Run D.M.C., and Serena Williams, but ran over the guy from Fall Out Boy, while tweeting and being chased by like a million people or something? I think I got confused.

2. You know how the saying goes: one man's trash is another's . . . Alfredo Aceves.

According to those bastards over at the Boston Globe (Pete Abe, I am still bitter that you left LoHud), the Red Sox are playing sloppy seconds with Alfredo Aceves. He had stellar stats while pitching mostly middle relief for the Yankees. Last year, however, disaster struck and he was bitten by the injury bug. And by bug, I mean the injury Mothra. He got hurt in a variety of ways, such as throwing out his back and breaking his collarbone via bicycle accident. Not motorcycle accident, mind you. Bicycle accident. I don’t even know what that means. Use the training wheels next time, thanks.

3. C.C. Sabathia, while no longer obese, is still pretty fat.

AL source: cc sabathia has lost about 30 pounds this winter and looks great. He has done this to aid with past knee trouble.less than a minute ago via Mobile Web


At first, I read that C.C. has lost 30 pounds and I was like “whoa, he basically gave birth to a medium-sized dog.” I was pretty psyched for the no-longer-as Big Guy. I wondered if he would only stretch his uniform pants to a size XXXL instead of the usual X^11L. I wondered, sadly, if they would no longer flap in the wind on the pitcher’s mound. I considered for a moment that all of those Subway commercials arguing with Johan Santana must have been totally worth it. If Jared and C.C. can do it, anyone can! But then I realized that C.C. was listed at 290 pounds, which means that, in reality, he was closer to three hundo. Taking one step forward and two steps back like the great Paula Abdul, I deduced that he is still hovering somewhere around 270 pounds. In other words, somewhere between a ginormous whalecow and a towering manbeast.


What does all of this mean? It's that glorious time. The time before pitchers and catchers report. The time to start debating whether Joba will be a starter or a reliever. When we marvel at what Kevin Long has accomplished and knight him into the kingdom. We argue about who is in the best shape of their life (not C.C.) and who is going to make the roster out of spring training (Bartolo Colon?!). We share past tales of drunken glory and post-game brawls. We wallow in the loss of Cliff Lee and celebrate the signing of . . . I would say Eric Chavez, but then I remembered that this isn't 2001. It is the time when there is still hope that A-Rod will return to his pre-juicing form. When we pray that Derek Jeter makes another age-defying comeback. When we pour one out for The Boss and ridicule his inadequate sons. It's time to start bitching about the Yankees again.

1 comment:

  1. I'd totally marry CC, plus or minus 30 pounds.

    Love,
    Your resident Whalecow Lover.

    ReplyDelete