February 7, 2011

Mark Sanchez Should Ask, "What Would Jeter Do?"


















Noooooooooo. NO. No, please Lord Haysus, just make this go away. Dreamboat Mark Sanchez has apparently sexed up a 17-year-old. You can read about the allegations, or lack thereof, over at Deadspin. Before we pass judgment – i.e., before we dare associate Mark Sanchez with creeps like Big Ben, Kobe, or Lawrence Taylor – let’s parse this out a bit.

According to the letter from the 17-year-old’s attorney - a serious dude who defended the Streisand Effect case - there is “no story here” and absolutely no crime occurred. It seems clear that, as long as any and all sexual contact was consensual, Mark has not committed any crime or violation. Pursuant to NYPL § 130.25, the Jets’ QB would only be guilty of statutory rape if the woman was under the age of 17. And the woman’s lawyer is adamant that nothing inappropriate occurred. So, yes, we have established that gorgeous, Baywatch-like, opposite of fugly or desperate Mark Sanchez cannot and will not be accused of sexual assault. High fives all around. But that does not mean that there is “no story here.” There is. And, unfortunately, it is just a tad bit slimy.

If what Deadspin alludes to is true – that some 17 year-old texted them photographs of the inside of his bedroom – then Rex Ryan needs to sit down Mark Sanchez and ask some pointed questions. Like, why the fuck were you entertaining a high school chick with your magical light saber when you can pretty much screw anyone you want in the state of New York? And, didn’t you understand how this would look? And, why didn't you consider that this teenager would brag to her friends, her parents, and/or the public? Sanchez is the face of the Jets’ organization. Kids all over the tri-state area wear his jersey in pure idolization. I am more-or-less one of those adoring fans. He and Rex totally won me over this season, but all of these stories are starting to creep me out.

The Jets need to get to the bottom of this, and fast, before something else happens and this blows up. The cost to Sanchez personally and the organization as a whole would be immeasurable (especially when it is finally becoming somewhat cool again to be a Jets fan). After the tumultuous year that they had – from the locker room sexual harassment saga to the foot fetish fiasco to the lingering stench of Brett Favre’s wandering dong – the Jets are not exactly going to be voted NOW’s Team of the Year. And while I give props to their PR machine for seamlessly handling all of the drama over the past twelve months, this is already pretty fucking serious. The Jets’ behavior towards women has been a problem for awhile now. The issue is not only if the Jets actually treat women poorly, but how and why this perception exists, and more importantly, how to change the sleazy atmosphere surrounding the organization. Because this is not okay.

Listen, don’t get me wrong. I get that Mark Sanchez is 24, only seven years older than the mysterious “E.K.,” apparent teenage-visitor and photograph-taker. I am not trying to make him out to be some pedophile or predator. If he called me, I would pretty much be a sure thing. And I am sure “E.K” was, too. But this is not the first time that Mark has made questionable decisions regarding women. Although charges were never filed, he was accused of sexually assaulting a female student while at USC. To make clear, no one is accusing Mark Sanchez of any wrongdoing now. But he isn’t going to remain a role model, an endorsement all-star, or my imaginary boyfriend for much longer at this rate.

When all else fails, Mark, and all New York athletes, should simply stop and ask themselves: “What Would Jeter Do?” They should wear a tacky bracelet to remind themselves at all times. Because he has never been caught with a teenager, he has never failed to pay child support, he has never gotten a DUI, he has never shot himself in the leg, he has never beaten up his girlfriend’s parents, he has never done drugs, he has never perjured himself, and he has never gotten into a public fight with a cameraman. He just does his thing, kicking ass, being worshipped by millions, having women throw themselves at him, amassing a small fortune, and owning the kingdom of New York City. I just hope that Mark Sanchez remembers this question next time he is discussing Pretty Little Liars and Justin Bieber with his high school girlfriend while removing her new hot pink halter, recently purchased at Forever 21. And yes, I am totally jealous of that barely legal stupid slut.

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