February 28, 2011

Voodoo Sex, Animal Wrestling, and X-Rated Narcotic Smuggling. Or, Stupid Athletes and Criminals.

Blame global warming or whatever, but it seems like people are becoming dumber.  I am really not a big fan of stupid people - they are up there with torture and AIDS and herpes and mayonnaise and whatnot - but I do find their recent adventures somewhat amusing and, more importantly, very educational.  For example: 
1.  Do not wrestle tigers. 

So this high school junior, Kaz Dymek, is training for a state wrestling championship.  To do so, he has been sparring with a tiger. Like a real one.  A 400-pound, 30-pound-of-meat-a-day-eating, ferocious fangs and claws tiger.  His family owns the Big Cat Habitat and Gulf Coast, a wannabe zoo in Florida.  He says that “it’s like wrestling with your brother . . . only this guy’s got bigger teeth.” Um, yeah, your brother, unless related to Hannibal Lecter, is not drooling to tear into your delicious flesh.  

He is 28-0 this year, so I am really not one to question his techniques; wrestling wild deadly beasts seems to work for him.  That said, at the end of the day, he sort of always has to lose during practice. Because if the tiger thinks he is going to win, or feels actually threatened, it will probably, you know, kill him.  So I really don’t get it.  Go find a fat man on steroids or something. I mean, really.  But what is worse: that he could get eaten at any moment or that his name is Kaz? Only time will tell. 

2.  Do not wrestle alligators.  

Listen, my boy Kaz is not the only freak who fights with deadly animals.  Apparently JD Drew wrestles alligators. He gets injured tying his cleats or skipping over the foul line, so I don’t understand how he has not died yet.  Then again, this is the man who has given an interview to the Jesus Journal – literally that is what it is called – so maybe he has greater forces working on his side.  I keep waiting for lightning to strike me while walking down Chambers Street, so I probably shouldn’t even be joking around about this.  But it is nice to know that there are rednecks in Boston, too.  I am sorry if that offends some of my alligator-hunting readers, but really? It sort of seems like a form of child abuse to take your kid out on some dinghy and then jump on the back of a gator with a knife.  What happens if the alligator ate him, and his son was a tasty dessert sitting on the boat? JD Drew is dumb.  Obvious bottom line: supporting the Red Sox is supporting child abuse.

3.  Do not join the redneck religion. 

Speaking of rednecks, it is apparently a religion in the south. I would say “who knew?” but the truth is, we probably should have guessed. A 20-year-old in Texas was arrested for engaging in a lewd and lascivious act with a minor.  When asked by the police about his religion, the alleged child abuser told the police that he was a member of the “redneck” faith.  I guess it is better than him saying the KKK, right? This supports my theory that we would all be much better off if Texas just secedes like they have been plotting for centuries anyway - for the future of our children.

4.  Do not smuggle contraband in your vagina. 

Now going back to Florida, but staying with stupid criminals, let’s talk about this poor 25-year-old woman named Sara King, who was recently sentenced to 30 days for drug possession.  When she was going through basic inmate processing, she was asked by a deputy if she had anything on her that she was not supposed to have.  Instead of politely declining, as per the usual response, or even telling the officer to go fuck herself, Sara King responded: “Just my pills in my vagina.” She then removed the pills – eight tablets of Buprenorphine SL – and was charged with introduction of contraband, a felony in Florida.  

To demonstrate the depth of her stupidity, the drug she smuggled in?  It is used to treat drug addiction.  It wasn’t even anything good, like Dayquil or Excedrin or ecstasy. I am sure that she could have requested permission to continue using this drug in jail.  Sometimes dumb people make me sad. Like, if you are going to smuggle contraband into jail, don’t confess to the contraband when you go through the expected search. She obviously knew this search was coming or she would not have hidden the pills in her special box to begin with. She will now be given additional jail time for being honest. And really stupid.   

5.  Do not become an arsonist and/or voodoo sex priest.  

But is it dumber than this?  A voodoo priest from Brooklyn known as Pepe Pierre caused a huge fire that burned down a building, killed an old woman, and left 47 families homeless. He was paid $300 to perform a weird sex ritual that would supposedly change some ignorant woman’s life.  His ritual included surrounding the bed with candles and then banging it out.  As he was consummating his voodooness, the sheets caught on fire, igniting the rest of the apartment.  Instead of calling 911 like normal people, these two geniuses tried to put out the fire with water from the bathroom sink.  At least the poor vagina pill addict only fucked herself.  Voodoo FAIL. 

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