As Americans, we are bred to be winners. So when I receive notice that the United States has won something – Olympic gold medals, Nobel Prizes, Mexico, World championships, foreign secret torture prisons, the right to be molested at the airport, obesity records – I get really excited, I pump my fist, and I feel the teeniest bit of pee trickle down my leg. Well, get excited, people. Because we have just won the 2010 world record for shark attacks.
Well, I guess this falls somewhere between the time we won Thanksgiving by giving STDs to the Indians and when we won the 1972 Olympic silver medal in basketball. The jury is still out, but does it even matter? WE WON.
So the United States came in first with 36 attacks (score!), Australia with all of its reefs and Great Whites and whatnot came in second with a lackluster 14, and then in a distant third we have South Africa, who pathetically only achieved eight shark maulings. We not only won, we fucking dominated. And just for the record, those assclowns from Asia didn’t even make the list – so suck it hard, China. It seems that many countries participated in the competition this past year, as there was the highest number of worldwide shark attacks in over a decade. And we are number one, folks.
Apparently, the rise in attacks is directly proportional to the rise in swimmers. Which makes sense to me. If there is an abundance of food that just happens to be sitting out in front of you (or in this case, strangely floating above your head), what do you do? You eat it. And these sharks are like fallen members of Overeaters Anonymous at a Golden Corral $4.99 unlimited lunch buffet. It’s a damned feast. Scientists seem to blame dirty sluts and broken condoms for the shark attack problem. As the population rises, “the interest in aquatic recreation grows.” So: More sex = More pregnancies = More people = More swimmers = More hungry sharks = Math is really not my thing. One brilliant scientist from the National Aquarium, Andy Dehart, stated: "Obviously, sharks are not . . . cute and cuddly . . . I certainly love them to death, but not everyone thinks the same way I do." Try no one. No one thinks the same way you do, Mr. Dehart. That said, sharks may not be cute or cuddly, but they are goddamn winners. And hell if I care about anything else.
In light of our recent achievement, it is important to recognize the individual states who made this dream into a reality. Florida stole the show in 2010. They had the Casey Anthony saga, Lebron to Miami, the new Harry Potter theme park, and now 13 shark attacks – by far the most in the country. Gold star for doing way more than your share. Another major player in our championship was North Carolina, where I spent a decade of my life. It figures that you’d actually become good at something after I left. Honorable mention also goes out to California (“We’re not just earthquakes anymore”), Hawaii (“We are lucky Obama wasn’t born here or he probably would have been eaten by now”), and South Carolina (“After Mark Sanford went hiking and got lost fucking an Argentinean lady and then cried on national television, sharks are the least of our concerns”). Thank you all for making this possible. America, we are winners once again.