March 14, 2011

Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with March Madness, the Biggest Douchebag in Sports, and Brittney Griner.

This is like CDTF's version of Hot Topics, minus Baba Wawa, Tracy Jordan's wife, that cranky conservative bitch, the menopausal liberal, and that Mel Gibson-loving reggae lady. An awkward setting, fueled by mutual animosity/adoration, where we tee up against softball topics and discuss things that do not matter in any way, shape, or form. 
After unfortunate incidents with La La Vazquez and Christina Aguilera, Amber, Carrie, Jill, and Robin are back this week to banter with the one and only Brittney Griner. 
It only makes sense that I am here, with March Madness underway and everything.  At 6’8” and only 20-years-old, I currently feel like I am in the midget nursing home, but whatever.  In high school, I was the number-one ranked player and some people even predicted that I could play in the NBA one day.  Damn right.  Now I am a phenom for the Baylor Lady Bears. I am the second woman in history to dunk twice in a single game.  That game? We won by 81 fucking points. I don’t mess around, fools. I own the records for blocks in a single season and blocks in the NCAA tournament.  I will stuff that bagel in your face when you least expect it.  Seriously, my men’s size 18 sneakers will stomp these, bitches.  So watch out. I am really not in the mood for anyone’s sass this morning, and I was warned that you all are sassy.  My anger management counselor forced me to have two sessions yesterday.  After what happened last March, he doesn’t want another incident.  You all know what happened last March, right?  I was ejected from a game for punching some Texas Tech bitch in the face, and then I was suspended for two games as punishment for my roundhouse.  I didn’t even mean it, she just ran into my hand.  So I would keep it calm today, ladies; I don’t want your kneecaps to run into this baseball bat that I brought with me.   
Brittney: Let's start out with an easy one, because I am particularly curious:

Who do you think will win the NCAA tourney and why?

Carrie:  I assume you mean the men's tournament? Why does no one pay attention to the women's tournament? Just kidding. That was rhetorical. Women's basketball is boring. Just kidding. (No, I'm not.). Something else I find troubling about college sports (that is, in addition to my gender bias about college sports, for which I guess I can only blame myself) is the way the divisions are broken down. Like, how come Louisville is in the Big East? Kentucky has no real geographic region as I see it, but if it did, would we say it's in the east? And like, maybe Louisville is, but is Indiana? It is not. So, I feel like we're passing on some really troubling geography skills to our nation's youth with these breakdowns. What if they think that San Diego is in the mountains? Like, when will they learn? Can they?  Speaking of things that are fun to learn, I recently learned the phrase "Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk,” which I now insist on saying to almost everyone in many different – only some of which are appropriate – situations. Truth be told, I first heard it as "rock jocks, Jayhawks" and it reminded me of Rock 'n' Jock, which is like my favorite thing of all time, so I think that's where the positive connotations began. So, Kansas, I guess.

Brittney: Is this bitch serious? No, really, is she? Calling my fucking sport boring. <Grumbling>. Count to ten, just count to ten. The reason that I didn’t specify gender in the question is because I assumed that you all would pick Baylor to win the women’s tourney.  I assumed correctly, right? Also? I thought San Diego was in the mountains, but I am from the country of Texas, so I am not very familiar with United States geography.  You are on thin ice, Carrie. This is your warning. 

 Amber: As I have said repeatedly, my interest in all sports is casual at best. Like many people, I make predictions and pick teams to cheer for based on color of uniforms, awesomeness of mascot, and/or overall cuteness of players/coach. BUT, as a Durham resident, I am required to cheer for Duke or Carolina. For this question, I pick Carolina, ‘cause Coach K looks like a rat and light blue is more flattering for my skin tone.  


Brittney:  Ohhhh, snap. Jill looks like she wants to use my baseball bat on Amber’s face, Baylor beatdown style. I feel you girl. Let it out. 

Jill:  I will not pick against my team, no matter how ill-advised or misguided, so we are going with Duke to defend their title with back-to-back championships.  Let’s party like it is 1992.  Do I think it will be tougher than last year? No doubt. We have little inside presence, the Brothers Plumlee are useless other than giving fouls and missing dunks, Kyrie is still out (although I predict that he will be back), and Singler has been inconsistent.  Plus, we are the #1 seed in the West region, which seems super tough with Connecticut, Texas, and San Diego State.  At least no one will allege that we had a cakewalk this year.  But the best part about March Madness is that anything can happen on any given night.  I think that with our experience, Nolan Smith at the helm, and our bench (at least in the backcourt), we can do this.  Also? Coach K has 898 wins. If Duke keeps kicking ass this March, he will become the winningest coach in history during the Final Four. And that would make a great story for his movie one day, which I am hoping Oliver Stone agrees to direct.  I would like to play his eldest daughter, the smart one who does all the philanthropy stuff.

Brittney: Um, I was two-years-old in 1992.  So, like, your party would probably suck.  Robin, can you settle this heated Duke-UNC war of the words that we have going on here?

Robin:  Though I want to say the St. Peter's College Peacocks (how fierce of a mascot is a peacock? Not even a fighting peacock. Just a peacock. Just awesome), I would just like to take this opportunity to provide commentary on the fashions and locker decor on Selection Sunday. While Carrie's Super Bowl is the Academy Awards (and let's be honest, it's totes fun to get all snarky on the Helena Bonham Carter disasters), I sorta love to see what the college teams are wearing and what sorta plush swanky couches they are sitting on, while Greg Gumble announces what region and seed they will be. Like what alumni booster supported those P.I.M.P. sweat suits?! Where can I get me those couches (second best couch only to that Mariah Carey couch that they showed on MTV Cribs). Because I am writing this before the official announcement of teams, I can't quite provide my Joan Rivers (sans crazy ass plastic surgery) analysis yet of what the teams will be donning, but until then Go Peacocks! (Gotta stay true to my Jersey roots).

Brittney: I do not even know how to respond to that.  I thought that Carrie chick was the loose canon.  So let’s just move on to something we can agree about. 

Who is the biggest douchebag(s) in sports:  Tiki Barber, Lebron James, ARod, Jonathan Papelbon, Chad Ochocinco, Roy Williams, Tiger Woods, Brett Favre, or any other person of your choosing. 

Amber: BRETT FAVRE! He is old. He is an old man who, upon having his advances rejected, sent a woman pictures of his old winky. Just, WHAT?! Were the photos a seduction tool? Did he expect her to be like, "Damn, I didn't want any of that lovin', but now that I see that his cock is as weathered as his face, I am kind of turned on!"  He confuzzles me.  


Brittney: Is confuzzle a real word? My English professor told me that it wasn’t last year when I used it in my final paper. So like, can someone please clarify? 


 

Robin:  I mean I could write an essay about each and every one these fools. I actually sorta like Tiki Barber, because he was on Project Runway. We are paying too much attention to Jonathan Papelbon but I sorta love his dance moves when he isn't getting Boston fans ripshit. Ochocinco, ummm BRILLIANT for changing your last name not to eighty-five, but to eight five. Ocho is really embracing the fact that English should maybe not be the only official language of the U.S. and is probably pro-immigrant rights, which I sorta like. I'd like to offer maybe Jim Gray, the fricking tool bag of a "journalist" who facilitated LeBron James' "Decision.” While Bron is a douche and woulda pissed people off anyway by leaving his hometown, the fact that he hired the man who asked Pete Rose about his scandal when he had just been forgiven by the MLB. And his suits are just so bleh/gray (pun intended). I sorta find the douchiness entertaining (probably for the same reason why I find Jon and Kate Plus 8 to be entertaining), I do not enjoy a diva or prima donna (a la the Detroit Piston fools we spoke about last week). 

Brittney: Yeah, if I was a Piston, I would have just kneed my coach in the groin and called it a fucking day.  

Carrie: Wait, since when is Tiki Barber a douchebag in the ilk of these other douches? What did he do? What did I miss? I've always liked Tiki. I'd be troubled to learn that I should not. Chad Ochocinco acts out, but he is sort of delightful to me, so I can't hate. I like Lebron, mostly because of his dapper dressing, but also because I think he's genuinely a pretty good guy whose sizable skills happen to lead to a fairly inflated ego. Could have done without The Decision, but I think sometimes we forget he's like real young and sometimes he makes mistakes. Pap's not my fave baseball player or anything, but I like how when he's getting ready to pitch, his arm hangs sort of loose like a monkey. I'm mad at my girl Cammy D for being with ARod, but only because I think she can do better, not because of any particularly strongbad feelings I have against ARod. I don't know who Roy Williams is, but his name sounds like a fast food chain. So, between Tiger Woods and Brett Favre, that's a real tough call for me. My feelings about Brett Favre's douchery are well-documented, but when it comes right down to Classic Douche Moves, growing a goatee whilst under intense public scrutiny ranks slightly higher than not being able to make a graceful exit when it's your time. So? Tiger Woods, congrats, I think you are currently the biggest douche in sports. So, like, cool that you're still a champion at something.

Jill: What Tiki did with the intern is just gross, but at least he didn’t sleep with about 100 hookers like Tiger.  My hatred for Lebron is well-established.  ARod is just about my least favorite Yankee; I could never forgive his ridiculous comments, his unnecessary steroid use, or when he tried to slap the ball.  I think Papelbon is one of the biggest tools in sports, especially after he complained how he felt his life was threatened during the All-Star game parade in 2008.  You don’t want to feel threatened in New York during a parade? Do not flash your World Series ring and talk shit to spectators on the street.  I do not think that Ochocinco is a douche. I think he is a hilariously entertaining cartoon character and I enjoy his touchdown celebrations/tweets tremendously.  Ugh, Roy Williams is definitely a douche, but the douchiest? Nah. He is an egotistical, whiny, little bitch with fake Southern charm who hails from the Dark Side, so I mean, it is not like I am president of his fan club.  At the same time, he is undeniably successful and I respect that. So like, one clap for Roy Williams.  There is no doubt that Brett Favre is in the running for Biggest Douchebag in Sports, the coveted inaugural CDTF honor.  His wishy-washiness, Croc-wearing sextfest, and horndoggery really put him ahead in 2011.  That said, for the past decade, there has been only one person to hold this crown for me – and that is Curt Schilling.  When I say that I would not be sad if he fell off the Monster and met an unfortunate demise, I would not exactly be exaggerating.  In the 1993 playoffs, he threw a towel over his head, because he couldn’t bear to watch his teammates risk his precious win. We went through the whole bloody sock incident. And since then, he has just said the dumbest shit imaginable. I can’t even go through it all. Just go read his blog, 38pitches.com.  He is a Republican hack with an ego that is unmatched by any other athlete.  I detest him more than anyone, anyone, else in sports.  Just thinking about him is making me angry and ruining the afterglow of Duke’s championship. Can we please move on now? 

Brittney
: Okay, sure. We can move on, you just wouldn't shut up. Just calm down, maybe you need to see my anger management therapist. It is cool, he works with all types of crazy.  How about food, can you handle food?

What is your most and least favorite food/snack that someone could buy for you at a sports stadium/arena?

Robin:  Snacks, in general, are something I consider myself an expert in, but surprisingly enough, I don't love a snack at an actual game as opposed to watching at home (one day, maybe I will dedicate my given space to introduce you to some of my favorite snacks. I try to do that every time I hang out with Carrie and she pretends to like it at least). I do sorta like a frozen lemonade or a Carvel in a Cap at a baseball game, cause, well, it's damn hot in the summer. I like Cracker Jacks, but prefer Fiddle Faddle (softer on my teeth). I guess I am probably a hater of popcorn (like nails on a chalkboard to me), and it's always sorta stale. So really, give me a frozen novelty (surprise) and sometimes throw in a beer and some of that plastic deliciousness that they call nacho cheese, and I am pretty content. Oh yes, and sunscreen. 

Brittney: I do not know what Fiddle Faddle is, and I think that you are maybe making up words to confuse me again, but I am intrigued.  Do you like Fiddle Faddle, Amber?

Amber: I REALLY like kielbasa sausuage, on a bun, with spicy mustard, and beer. Preferably Stella. I feel like if I was on a date at a sporting event, and told my date to pick what I wanted to eat during the game, and he brought that back for me, I would probably break him off a little somethin'. I'm easy to please. If guys knew how easy I was, I would probably have more sex. If he brought me back nachos with that nasty ass fake cheese, we would fight.


Brittney: There is nothing wrong with a girl who knows how she likes her sausage.



Jill: This is not hard at all, since I will pretty much eat anything that you can find me in a sports stadium.  But I am a classic snacker.  Just get me some beer, a pretzel, a hot dog, and maybe some cotton candy, and I will be a happy camper. Especially if you just keep feeding me beer.  I am a cheap date; two drinks and I am pretty much good to go.  So write that down.  If you want to go ALL out, you can get me a Lobel’s steak sandwich from Yankee Stadium for a whopping $15.00.  Then I will be a sure thing.  Please do not buy me anything weird like sushi or fruit or bottled water.  None of those things should be consumed at a baseball game.  Thanks.
 
 
Carrie: I'm a notorious spendthrift (um, cheapskate?), so my whole body quakes at the price/benefit rewards available at stadiums and/or arenas. Like, there is almost nothing that is worth the price you pay for it at a game. That said, beer is necessary to properly enjoy a baseball game, so like, you'd score points with me if you bought me one and then didn't accidentally kick it over when you passed by me to go the bathroom. But I also had this really amazing bag of kettle corn at Fenway that was like $6 for like a pound-and-a-half of popped corn goodness, so that'd be okay too. ALSO. There is this really amazing like red beans and rice bowl at Pac Bell Park in San Francisco that's pretty delicious, but actually, I think it's sort of weird to eat like legit food items at a sporting venue. So, right, beer and popcorn, take me out to the ballgame.

Brittney: Bitch please. I am not taking you anywhere after the whole “women’s basketball is boring” comment.  Moving on.

Let’s say there was a CDTF book club. What would be the first somewhat sports-related book that you selected?
  
Carrie: I am not super into sports literature, so this is not my best pick 'em topic and um, based on past experience, I'd imagine it might take us a little while to make a CDTFB book club happen, so I feel like it is a safe choice to pick something that has not be released yet. Which is to say, I am basically peeing my pants in anticipation of this book's release in May. These guys' book on SNL - which if you haven't read, I am not sure what you think you're waiting for except maybe to die unfulfilled? - is one of my most favorite things in the whole world. Including food items.
 
Brittney: Can you read? Is that why you are picking books that have not even been published yet?  Is there anyone here who actually likes to read, or maybe knows how to read, that would like to comment?

Amber: Um, this is HARD. I really can't think one. Maybe Confessions of a Video Vixen? It's sort of an interesting read, and I think it counts, because Superhead perfected her felatio skills on a LOT of professional athletes.


Brittney: I guess that works for me. At least is a book that can be read right now. And let’s thank Amber for this week’s lessons on sausage and fellatio. She brings something new to the table each and every week, doesn't she? Is there a book that you would pick for this club that I have no interest in reading, Jill?



Jill: Hmm. Ball Four is a classic; so controversial, packed with info, and a great conversation starter.  I loved Mickey Mantle’s All My Octobers as a kid.  I also LOVED Eight Men Out, the infamous novel about the 1919 Black Sox.  As a conspiracy theorist, I have always loved reading about that scandal, almost as much as any other historical event.  The new ESPN book by the authors of that SNL tell-all will also be awesome. I would perhaps choose that book about the Duke-UNC rivalry, To Hate Like This is to Love Forever or whatever, because it is an interesting topic and all, but the author is a UNC fan and I do not support such malarkey.  So, to kick things off with a fun, interesting book? I would go with Strike Zone, by Jim Bouton and Eliot Asinof.  It is novel that flashes between a pitcher trying to win a huge game and an umpire who has been paid to throw it.  It is a page-turner and so much fun.  A great first book club novel.

Robin: Oh there are just SO many! Before Sandy Bullock brought The Blindside to the American people I would have recommended that, because the book is UNBELIEVABLE. I absolutely adored The Last Amateurs, by John Feinstein, because it's brilliantly written (as is pretty much anything John Feinstein writes) and about The Patriot League (which I just love), but I am going to give you one that you probably haven't heard of and is amazing and heartwarming, but not cheesy, and nothing short of riveting: The Miracle of Saint Anthony, by Adrian Wojnarowski. It's about a little high school in Jersey City, NJ (big post for me about Jersey City. Let me say again, go Peacocks!), St. Anthony High School (a school that, without their hard-nosed coach Bob Hurley – yes Jill, Bobby Hurley of Duke's dad and high school coach – and some kick ass nuns, would be closed). You follow the team through one of their seasons, as they face the threat of being closed, the shenanigans of inner-city basketball players, and their hard-ass coach (who was just inaugurated into the Basketball Hall of Fame) that is just awesome. It is riveting and a page turner. Read it. You will love it. JHop, I would totally love to have a CDTF Book Club – let's do it!

Jill:  I actually think that is a GREAT idea, Robin.  And I think that Carrie’s suggestion, Those Guys Have All The Fun: Inside the World of ESPN, is a great place to start.  The book comes out on May 24, 2011, so mark it down and get excited to read.  Look for details in the next month or so. And Brittney, you are, of course, invited to join our book club.


Brittney:  Hell no. Are you serious?  I read passes and defenses, not books.  And I am not coming back here. Ever.  That Carrie is a sexist illiterate, Amber is just too sexually charged with all of her talk about sausages and shit, Jill is just begging for a size-18 sneaker shoved up her elitist Duke ass, and Robin likes Jersey and no one likes Jersey, so that just confuzzles me.  Jesus, now they have me talking like them with their made-up words.  I am out like a bitch suspended for punching someone in the face. Yeah, I said it, fools. 



P.S.: Come back later in the day for a retro-live-blog of the ACC Championship!

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