March 7, 2011

Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with Breast Milk Ice Cream, At-Bat Songs, and Christina Aguilera.

This is like CDTF's version of Hot Topics, minus Baba Wawa, Tracy Jordan's wife, that cranky conservative bitch, the menopausal liberal, and that Mel Gibson-loving reggae lady. An awkward setting, fueled by mutual animosity/adoration, where we tee up against softball topics and discuss things that do not matter. 
After La La Vazquez walked out on them last week Amber, Carrie, Jill, and Robin are back with another round. Today, as this week’s guest moderator, we welcome Christina Aguilera.  
Sigh. Hi ladies. It’s me, Xtina, and you bitches know that I don’t need an introduction.  But damn it has been a rough few months. Which is why my reps wanted me to come here in the first place, for the good press, when all I wanted to do was sit home, eat mallomars, and drink vodka in my snuggie.  So I brought the mallomars and vodka with me.  The producers made me leave the snuggie backstage.  They hate me. Everyone hates me, it is so unfair.  It all started when I ripped off a music video, but I mean, she should have been honored that I was even stealing her shit; I owned the charts long before that woman started dressing like a lobster.  I guess I have to apologize for that. Again. Then I got divorced.  Then my affair with Matthew Rutler was made public.  Then I passed out on Jeremy Renner’s bed.  Then I fucked up the Star Spangled Banner on national television in front of millions of people. Then I fell at the Grammy’s.  And then I was arrested last week, on March 1st, for public intoxication.  I am drinking right now.  Can you girls make me cool again?  I need help. Do you want a mallomar?  No? Sigh, let’s just get this over with.   
Christina: I can’t believe I have to ask you this, but:
What would you rather lick: Lady Gaga’s meat dress or Baby Gaga?

Amber: These are both absolutely disgusting options. However, I find that when making a tough decision, or deciding whether or not to do something, you should go with the thing that will make the best story. For example: "This police officer in this foreign country is TOTALLY hitting on my friend and I. Should I agree to go on a double date with him and his friend and then make-out on the beach? No. But holy SHIT, what a great story." So I did. I will spare you the details, cause I don't know y'all like that...I mean, I do, but this is on the internet. I don't know THEM like that. ANYWAY, in the case of Senorita Gaga's meat dress and Baby Gaga, the choice is pretty simple. The story of the meat dress would go something like this: “So, I won tickets to the VMAs because I sent in a video of my cat doing the dance to 'Single Ladies'. I ran into Kanye and Amber Rose, and because Amber Rose and I have the same first name and haircut, (that is where the similarities end), we started chatting, and the next thing I know, I am drinking Hennessey with her and 'Ye. We get smashed, and Kanye says he will pay me $50,000 to walk up to Lady Gaga and lick her dress. Done. I totally got invited to the after party she was throwing, I ended up dancing with Drake, I shared a blunt with Justin Bieber and Snoop, AND my student loans are paid off, motherfuckaaaasss!”  The story of Baby Gaga: “I walked into some random ice cream spot in London and paid $25 to drink/eat some random bitch's breast milk. I wish I had gone to the Cold Stone down the street. At least they have mix-ins.”

Christina:  It is always about her. I offered to use my own breasts for this and get rejected. Christina’s Creamy Cones? That would have been a blockbuster.  And I was hoping the meat dress would attract a random tiger, but no such luck.  NO LUCK.  WHY? Why is my vodka the only thing that loves me? 
 
Carrie: I live in almost constant fear of catching some meat-borne pathogen, so the breast milk ice cream, I guess. I mean, it's nasty to think about, but I bet it's not that bad tasting.


Christina: Do you think that maybe she will like get SARS or bird flu from the meat dress?! I like Carrie, we think alike. That Gaga is nasty to think about. 


 
Jill: The question I have is why. WHY?! Why is breast milk ice cream necessary?  I am very happy with my Ben & Jerry’s, thanks. Go make that healthier and more natural without the use of boobs. Nevertheless, something about raw meat just makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Maybe more so than breast milk ice cream.  I don’t know, there is something about the texture. And the fact that it is raw animal carcass. So Baby Gaga, I guess. Mmmm, yummy. I hope you all are enjoying your coffee and bagels this morning. 

Christina: Or our mallomars and vodka. 

Robin: This is not even a real hard question for me, obviously lick Gaga's meat dress. I mean hello MEAT. Yes, RAW meat, but like who doesn't love a carpaccio? My answer would stay exactly the same if condiments or toppings were included. Ketchup or A1 steak sauce vs. chocolate syrup and a cherry on top. I guess besides the obvious "OMG, breast milk ice cream, I am not even appalled at Lady G's dress. I actually think it's sorta brilliant. And I am huge fan of savory condiments, so even throwing chocolate syrup and a cherry on top doesn't entice me. Also, I am a bit of a lactard, so like not even worth it to say I did it.  I like that crazy milk mama is using her assets, cause honestly? "If you got it, flaunt It" (or sell it in this case), but Lady G is making a political statement (at least I like to think she is), and I mean I was a political science major in college, so obviously there's a huge connection there and that's how I am rolling today. (I think it is important for the audience to know that today I have consumed only the following: 2 French Vanilla Coffees with WHOLE milk, 2 bags of Lays potato chips, a mini Cookies and Cream Hershey Bar, A Reese's Peanutbutter Cup and some Trader Joes Honey Wheat Pretzels--so basically I am not in my right mind and just might be craving some meat).
Christina: Not appalled? Ugh, Robin would clearly wear a Team Gaga shirt. Not my favorite of these four.  Part of me just wants to march right off this stage. And by march, I mean stumble. But I would make an exit.  Like these guys:
Thoughts on the Pistons’ staged mutiny: noble act of peaceful protest or immature temper tantrum by professional players?
 
Carrie: I've recently begun chanting "Strike! Strike! Strike!" in response to almost any challenging workplace situation (ranging from like, running out of paper clips, to like... well, so far mostly my patience has just been tried by depleted office supplies), so I'd be slightly hypocritical if I were to throw the Pistons under the bus for something I've been endorsing for weeks. However, no one in my workplace is paid any sort of salary that could be described in terms of millions. So, there's a teensy bit of assholery in this move that cannot be replicated in my humble work environment. Also, the camp counselor in me says, "What does skipping practice help anything? A. You still hate your coach, B. You're worse now and C. Like your coach gives a flying fuck, you petulant children?!"

Christina: That sort of sounds like what my agent said to me last week…  Does anyone have a bendy straw for my flask?

 
Amber: I mean, if the coach aint coachin', that needs to be addressed. It appears the owners are not addressing it. HOWEVER, I think not showing up is punk bitch-esque of the players.  It would have been way more gangsta if they had elected to practice elsewhere, and left the coach little clues as to where they were. When he finally found them, they could have been like "gotcha bitch" and went on about their business.  


Christina: Who doesn't love a good mystery?


 
Robin: I had been hearing a lot about this story on the radio and each time immediately my blood would boil. Like legitimately boil. But on the Boston stations, they'd never mention who the players were so I assumed they were sorta like the Rex Walters of the team (right there's your weekly '90's NJ reference for the week). No one really knows who you are, you might be like 9th or 10th guy off the bench and no one really cares. But I just read who was involved and want to maybe make blood lasagna at this point, my blood is boiling so much (have you ever tried to boil lasagna noodles--it is SO hard to do. G-d Bless boil-less lasagna noodles!). Frickin' Rip Hamilton, I am going to RIP your head off. Tayshaun Prince, stop acting like a g-d damn PRINCESS. T-Mac, you're WHACK. Okay I'm done with the rhymes and cuteness (but I still have my eye on you Ben Wallace). GROW UP, you rich idiots! Also, their poor coach's last name is Keuster, like keistering! Give the man a break and show up to practice, do your damn job, and give my charitable organization some money.

Jill: Okay this is sort of ridiculous. You are paid a ton of money. You play a game. I get that you are unhappy and everything, but like, grow a pair.  Go through the proper channels and force change, but this? This is a just a poor example to the kids everywhere who worship you, and it shows complete apathy to your opponents. And it got you absolutely no where except sitting on the bench. I felt sympathy for the Pistons until this.  Stop acting like fucking divas. 

Christina: There is nothing wrong with acting like a diva. Divas demand respect! So do champions. That is why I always want to be a champion diva in everything that I do. Which brings me to the question: 

World Series, NCAA Final Four, NBA Finals, Stanley Cup, Super Bowl: if you could have lifetime tickets to any of the major championship series, which sport would you choose and why?

Robin: HELLO Pep Bands! Duh, how is this even a question. NCAA Final Four. There's nothing like it! The mascots that alums have tramp stamps of. The cheerleaders that actually make you want to cheer. The "student athletes" that are America's future (okay maybe only in the Ivy League and Patriot League and probably Butler and Duke too), but still. To relive you college years (even a D3 girl like me who will not get to watch my beloved Clark University Cougars on TV except for Worcester Cable Access), to hear "One Shining Moment" live (do not get me started on the damn remix they did last year. Keep the Classic NCAA/CBS). To participate in the "D-Fence" cheers. G-d, there is NOTHING better than college (my blood is no longer boiling lasagna and is now just flowing with college nostalgia if you were wondering). I've actually been to the NCAA Final Four (three times if you include the two Women's Final Fours I have been to). I was there when Trajon Langdon (sorry Jill) dribbled his foot off his foot [editor’s note: I left that typo in to get back at Robin for this unnecessary reminder and because I am a vindictive bitch], as UCONN upset Duke in 1999. I cheered with Duke as they countered “U-C-O-N-N! UCONN! UCONN! UCONN!,” with "U-S-U-C-K! U SUCK, U SUCK, U SUCK!” It was just awesome (and I was only a freshman in high school). To be past my five-year college reunion and to be reliving the glory of collegiate athletics each and every year would be just damn glorious (I have refrained from my many parentheses this week and have instead added hostility and asides with the word damn....interesting). G-d bless college sports!

Christina: They let that bitch Jennifer Hudson do One Shining Moment last year, when I handwrote nine letters to CBS Sports offering my services.  I don’t understand why no one wrote me back. I thought for sure that the naked ones where I am rolling on top of a basketball would seal the deal.  Are we on CBS now? If so, I am walking out, Pistons-style.

 
Carrie: Um, World Series, hands down, no question. October baseball is amazing. Like not only is it championship fever, but it's just like GORGEOUS weather. No more sunburns, maybe jeans, a cute hoodie and hat. Dream date. Wait, we get two tickets, right? Because going alone to any of these, I would choose hockey because they have the most hottest fans.


Christina: You can have....<hiccup>....three tickets, if you are into that sort of thing...


 
Jill: Hmmm, tough one. I have to go with the World Series. While March Madness is the most exciting time of year, it is often super disappointing on a personal level. Or, let’s put it this way: the Blue Devils have left me feeling bitter and angry in March far more often than they have left me exuberant. It is much too difficult to get to the Final Four every year to ensure that Duke will continue to get there regularly in the future.  Especially after – gasp – Coach K eventually retires (which I hope is never).  It will just be too hard for me.  I love baseball, it is my favorite sport.  And the Yankees will be billionaires for generations and generations to come, so like, no worry there. 



 
Amber: Super Bowl, no. I do not like football. Stanley Cup, no. It's cold as fuck in hockey rinks, and 1 black person to 5,000 white people ratio makes me uncomfortable. Also? Athletes are SEXY. Watching big strong men run around and sweat is titillating. You can't see shit in football or hockey.  So, that leaves the NBA finals or NCAA final four. I am from Durham, N.C. College basketball is in the air. A friend of mine teaches at an elementary school, and during March Madness, a new girl, (probably a Yankee, bless her heart) said she wasn't a Duke or Carolina fan. Another girl, obviously a Bull City resident said to my teacher friend, "Well, Mr. Geoff, she doesn't understand our culture." Where was I going? Ah, yes, college basketball is big where I am from, so I feel like I am betraying my hometown by saying that I would attend the NBA finals. I say it only because I have reached an age where it is inappropriate to lust after college basketball players and wish they wore shorter shorts.

Christina: I asked if I could sing the Star Spangled Banner at the NBA Finals this year, but they told me that no one is singing our national anthem, because the games will be held in China.  Is that true? Have you guys heard my new single? I am trying to sleep with some baseball players to get it some airplay. Because, as I’m sure you know:

All baseball players have an "at bat" song - the song that pumps them and the crowd up when they walk to the plate. These songs change all of the time, but at the moment, what would be your "at bat" song and why? (PS: Although outdated, this is cool). 

Jill: I have debated this question since I was approximately 7-years-old.  When I was younger, I really thought that “Right Stuff” by New Kids on the Block was the way to go.  As an adult, I still think that this song would work solely for the absurdity of it and the bleacher dances that it would inspire. I also thought that “Take Me Home Tonight” would be a good song, but I do not think I knew what it was about at that time.  I thought it was like, knock in some RBIs and score some runs, yeah! I was wrong. I went through a misguided period where I thought that “She Bangs,” by Ricky Martin, would be a good call.  The whole “she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee” is really what did it for me. Not that I feel compelled to defend that choice or anything.  I always liked “Country Grammar” for the Yankees line, Janet Jackson’s “If” in a dirty way, and “Still Not a Player” by Big Pun for its irony.  There are genuine classics that I could go to like “Into the Groove” by Madonna or “Shoop” by Salt n Pepa or No-No-No-Notorious. In North Carolina, I used to think that I would return to New York and my at-bat song would be “Raise Up” by Petey Pablo.  I went through a period in college, where I actively related to Elphaba (yes, the wicked witch), and “Defying Gravity” will always be one of my all-time faves.  But out of all of DJ Jazzy Jill’s Jamz, a self-entitled greatest hits album, I have always gone back to “Ladies’ Night” by Lil’ Kim and company. 

Christina: I embarrass myself constantly, but even I wouldn’t tell people that I call myself DJ Jazzy Jill.  I did have sex with Ricky Martin and his lover, though, so I mean, I am not really one to judge…

Amber: I thought and thought and I had four songs come to mind. I know we were only supposed to do one, but...yeah. Anyway, the first was "Hustlin'" by Rick Ross. 'cause it makes me feel like no one could possibly fuck with me. Also, because of this. The second was "Ego," by Beyonce. Obviously.  Third was “Azucar Negra” by Celia Cruz. For those of you who don't habla espanol, that means black sugar. Celia was a Cuban salsa singer, and Cubans love their baseball. At baseball games there, when the players aren't at bat, they come and sit in the stands and chit chat and share snacks (these odd, cheeseless cheetos) with the fans. It's awesome. My last choice would be "What's my Name" by Rihanna and Drake. Even though it's a little sexy, I have a vision of "WHAT'S MY NAME???" flashing across the jumbotron and the whole stadium yelling out “AMBER!” Then I would wiggle a little bit and hit a homerun! How amazing would that be?  If I just danced around the bases? Is it bad sportsmanship to pause and dip it low at home plate?

 
Carrie:  EASY. My current theme song (because baseball players aren't the only working professionals that need inspirational theme songs to get them up to bat) is Nicki Minaj's portion of "Monster.” Technically, this is a Kanye West joint, but she steals it so soundly at the end that even though Yeezy and Jay-Z acquit their portions quite well, you've completely forgotten they were even around by the time Nicki's done with you (bonus: the crazyface picture this YouTube contributor chose to include to accompany the track). Potential downside: If this were my at-bat song, I think it could maybe only be played at night. Because what about the children?



 

Robin: "Let's Get Loud" by Jennifer Lopez. Listen, JLo is having a comeback with American Idol, and I'm having a comeback with blogging and sports. Also, it sorta sounds like Gloria Estefan. And anything Gloria sings gets me pumped (yes I am 27 going on 53 year old mom jeans).


 Christina: Wait. No one… not one of you? But Gloria Estefan pumps you up?! Are you kidding me??  What about Fighter?! Dirrty?! Lady fucking Marmalade? Oh fuck this. I am out.



Come back next week - same time, same place, same bitches; however, there will be a different moderator, as Ms. Aguilera will most likely be entering rehab before then. 

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