March 15, 2011

Epic Fail: 25 Sports Headline Disasters

Sometimes I fantasize about what my life would be like if I became a journalist instead of an attorney. But then I read headlines like the ones below, and I am confident that I made the right decision. From the vast treasure chest that is the world wide interwebs, in no particular order: 

Does Cameron Diaz’s vagina hate men that much? Or is this just further proof that ARod will never be the same without steroids?

I think it is safe to assume that most reporters who cover the Jets self-medicate through the use of alcohol.

I mean, if this was a tournament, I bet a lot of women would be in the running for the title. Most of my sorority sisters would have earned a one-seed, no doubt.

In other news, an AMBER alert just went out related to one Mr. Dick Trickle. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife.

No means no, regardless of sexual preference. Even when you are being dominated by Stevie Wonder in a purple leotard.

Trying to the get the crowd into it, the poor woman seen above needed an audience to reach orgasm.  

It would be even easier to make fun of him, if his last name was just "Ass."  

Seriously, is this the best we can do? 

There are only so many colon jokes that we can make. And it does not give me warm fuzzies that we now have the walking-talking-real-life Colon joke on the Yankees.

It is not a matter if he is “ready;” Joakim Noah is still a virgin due to the unfortunate hair nest that he sports on his head.

It was church league soccer, so like? No surprise here. 


Nike also says that at least 84 other women did that last year, too.

The photo above was from 1998 and does not include the captain of this team; a scary looking fat woman in a beret, ominously holding a cigar.

I just crossed my legs tighter. Go (too) big and go home. Quite literally.

We support homosexual rights here at CDTF. And we especially love fabulous gay Indians, because they always have the coolest head dresses.

Sometimes a headline perfectly captures a photograph, you know?

Apparently, steroids are also a problem in the NHL.

Title IX at its finest. It gives a whole new meaning to magna cum laude. 

Seriously, no one likes bush; it is not just a political thing. However, on a dare during high school, I did steal this awesome 80s porn from my friend’s parents – it was called “Between the Cheeks XXX” – and I would tell you what kind of images I saw, but I burned my eyes out with a lit cigarette. All I will tell you is that there were mohawks and sparkles involved.

Well, if that pony-tailed man does not look like a molester of sorts, I am not sure who does. And I am sad for Schmeichel, both for his horrible last name and for being filled with Seaman.


It always seemed obvious to me that the Saints like to get down and dirty. 


Um, I have nothing further to add. 


Beavers and dam go well together. Or, damn bitch, why you always be creeping on my condom?


It is about damn time. Those bitches work hard for the money. So hard for it, honey.


Whore recovers from syphilis, masturbates for $20.


  1. One cannot say headline writers don't have fun with the words. My favorite all time headline, non-sports related was from the NY Post, bastion of great headlines, on a front page article about a murder in a tavern - big 16 point letters, "Headless Body Found in Topless bar"!

  2. Their "The Choke's on Us!" after the '04 ALCS is possibly the greatest headline since "WWII OVER!"

  3. Ugh, I remember "The Choke's on Us." Damn you for reminding me, sanfran.

    T.Fab.P - I begrudgingly admit that the NY Post has great headlines. They are hilarious in an awesomely awful way.

    You both are the best.