April 26, 2011

Batting Practice, Bitches: The One with PhillieBot, Dumb Jocks, the AL East, and Samantha Posey.

This is like CDTF's version of Hot Topics, minus Baba Wawa, Tracy Jordan's wife, that cranky conservative bitch, the menopausal liberal, and that Mel Gibson-loving reggae lady. An awkward setting, fueled by mutual animosity/adoration, where we tee up against softball topics and discuss things that do not matter in any way, shape, or form. 
It is time for your favorite morning show. No, not SoapNet reruns of Beverly Hills, 90210.  Amber, Carrie, Jill, and Robin are back!  Guest hosts in the past have included La La Vasquez, Christina Aguilera, Brittney Griner, Jessica Biel, Laura Vikmanis, and Pia Toscano. But this week they are joined by rookie celebrity, Samantha Posey.

Hi, y’all!  I am not sure if y’all know me, but don’t worry, you soon will.  I‘m Samantha Posey, Buster’s younger sister, a junior third base woman for the Valdosta State softball team. I grew up in Leesburg, Georgia with my three brothers, but my mom thinks I’m the “most athletic” with “the most tools,” so at least I have that going for me. Listen, I am used to everyone swooning over my big bro, and I love him to death, but I am sort of awesome, too. I may or may not have hit for the home-run cycle last Monday.  In a doubleheader against Albany State, I was five for seven with four homeruns, five runs scored, and 11 RBIs.  And the homers, well, the homers are what made the cycle – a one-run, two-run, three-run, and grand slam homerun.  I am kind of hitting .468 with a .909 slugging percentage. So, yeah, I wasn’t kidding when I said I am sort of awesome. I had no idea I even hit for the homerun cycle until my teammate told me, but Buster was all excited to see me on SportsCenter. And, if we are being totally honest, here? As I hit for the homerun cycle, Buster only went one for four in the Giants’ game.  He did help me hit in high school, so I give him a lot of credit, but maybe it is time that I teach him a thing or two.  You ladies are, of course, invited to the batting cage with us. 
Sam: So I was sitting at the ballpark the other day, wishing that I had a jocketbook – like a jock strap for women – and thinking how a jocketbook would be somewhat useful and all, playing the hot corner.  Because – I hate to be the bearer of bad news here – but that shit hurts for women, too.  And it got me thinking, y’all.

In light of the recent creation of PhillieBot, what invention would you like to see created to perfect/enhance a sport, or simply to entertain the masses? 

Carrie: Oy, vey. The PhillieBot was such a sad experiment. And like not even a true experiment? Because I still don't really understand how it differed from a pitching machine? Except that it didn't pitch as fast? I feel like if the MIT lab went to work on something to enhance the Red Sox, they'd get something real useful. Like a bat sapper, or a helmet shiner. I don't know, at least something that didn't already exist. But all I know about Penn State is they drink a lot. So I'm sure PhillieBot seemed like a fucking brilliant idea at the time.

Amber: Last week, on Extreme Makeover Home Edition, there was a guy who had been the college baseball phenom and then was in a terrible accident and became paralyzed, and Ty and company made him a pitching machine that he could use with his mouth. It was amazing. Tears were streaming into my glass of cabernet.  PhillieBot does not seem as cool, 'cause, why? Like, why is the PhillieBot there? ANYWAY, I don't think sports should be any easier, right? Maybe there should be machines to make things safer or more comfortable? Like, I think it's cool that basketball players don't wear Chuck Taylor's anymore. Those things have NO support. The short shorts could come back though. Maybe electronic caddies? Don't we call those golf carts? I dunno. Maybe there should be a machine that makes famous athletes think before they do dumb stuff--like have sex with 1,000 cocktail waitresses, or take pictures of their winkies and send them via text, or do crack or STEAL, like that guy Mike Leake.

Robin: Duh, easy. Condibot. I want a device that makes it so the ketchup and mustard (and recently relish. Have I told you lately that I have fallen in love with relish?) does not spill from my hot dog onto my clothes. How does this ALWAYS happen? I LOVE me some condiments. Spicy mustard? Nothing like it. But it always gets on my clothes at sporting events. I hate it. It stresses me out. I can't pay attention at the game. There has got to be a better way to do this. Is anyone listening? Come on Condibot, help a (sloppy) sister out.

Jill: Considering that Philliebot failed, it seems important that the next sports-related invention actually works. It was embarrassing for Philadelphia that their useless pitching robot could not, you know, pitch.  Not as embarrassing as Phillies’ fans themselves, but that is not the point.  I would like a zip-line from the bullpen and a caped uniform for Mariano Rivera.  As “Enter Sandman” blasts in the background, Mo would ride the zip-line, dropping perfectly onto the mound in a cloud of rosin bag smoke, while the crowd cheers wildly for the only real superhero left in Gotham City.  I would also appreciate a football/baseball helmet that protects the brain and that doesn’t look like something an astronaut would wear.  I am sorry, but that is the best I can come up with. If I could think of some fabulous invention, I wouldn’t be slaving over immigration files; I would be sitting in my box seat at Yankee Stadium every game, laughing at how cheap my $12.00 beer is compared to the price of mojitos on my private jet, and scheming to beat Mark Cuban in our high-stakes fantasy baseball league.  So whoever wrote this question is sort of an idiot.  (I wrote this question). 

Sam
: I still think the jocketbook would be more useful, but I am also biased here.  Since my brother plays for the Giants, I am very familiar with West Coast baseball.  But, what do you girls think:

When all is said and done and the dust settles in October, what will be the standings in the AL East and who will be going to the playoffs?

Amber: Dang, I had to do some work for this one. I didn't know what AL East was, and then I decided to do some real research and look at stats, but then that got boring, so I am ranking by best mascot: 1. ) Tampa. The Rays are BADASS. I also love that they embrace Florida in their uniform color choice; 2.) Toronto. My mom bird-watches, blue jays are her favorite; 3.) Baltimore. Orioles sort of look like robins to me? My mom also loves them; 4.) New York. 'Cause REALLY, what IS a Yankee? Like, doodle dandy? Or a term that some white people in the south call people from above the Mason-Dixon line? Isn't their ACTUAL mascot a baseball with a hat on? That's stupid; 5.) Boston. Like REALLY, the name Red Sox is a shortening of the term 'Red Stockings', cause that's what they used to wear. NOT GANGSTA, Boston. Dumb.  In reality, I feel like this list should maybe be flipped? I will not be watching to find out. Baseball on TV makes me SO SLEEPY.

Sam: Oh, you are one of those people? There are baseball people, wise individuals who enjoy a leisurely four-hour game of precision and hand-eye coordination, and there are The Others, people who think baseball is boring and would prefer to watch reality shows about fixing up houses and construction and whatnot.  Come on, ladies, help me out here. 

Jill: So, right now, things are back to normal after a crazy start to the season: the Yankees are in first place, the Rays are in the second, the Red Sox are three games back and creeping up from behind, still no one cares about the Blue Jays, and the Orioles are back in last place.  According to CoolStandings.com, the Yankees are predicted to win 96.8 games, while the Rays will wind up with 83.2 and the Sox with 84.2.  Sigh, I do not buy that.  The Red Sox are a much better team than how they played throughout April.  And while I never count out Tampa Bay, I don’t think they will top Boston come October.  Angry Bird Adrian, Laser Show, Lumberjack Youk, and the pitching staff are too talented.  That said, their line-up, as good as it is, still doesn’t compare to the Bronx Bombers.  And bomb, we have. The Yanks have 36 homers, 15 more than the next AL East team (Baltimore).  Bottom line:  We are in for a wild summer and a neck-and-neck fall, but the Yanks will win the AL East and the Sox will grab the wild card. Tampa will hold onto third place, while the Orioles and Jays battle it out for cellar dweller. 

Robin: Because I honestly don't care (but want the Sox to win and beat the Yankees, because I love me some Kevin Youkilis), I would like to take this opportunity to question why there are different rules for each league. Like why in the Bronx do they have a special hitter-only position, but in Queens the pitcher has to earn his full paycheck by also hitting? Doesn't this just seem dumb? Maybe I would also root for the Orioles (they are in the AL East, right? I think I remember seeing them on the Green Monster's standings a few weeks ago), cause like I've been watching The Wire, and life is really tough in Balti. So, yeah, even with all the rules confusion: Red Sox, Orioles, and then Anyone But the Yankees (Tampa Bay, right? I didn't even google that. I just really only like baseball when I am at Fenway, watching it live. I'd rather watch Sister Wives at home).

Sam: And Toronto, but I think it was already mentioned that no one cares about the Jays.

Carrie: Well, after Bizarro April, the universe is coming back to its correct course, with the Orioles slipping (sort of quickly) from their spot atop the AL East and Red Sox rising from the ashes of misery at the bottom on a steady uptick, so I think it's going to be an exciting year. I think when push comes to shove, the Sox have the bats and the pitching to go the long haul. Depending on who the Yankees purchase from the trade deadline brothel, they will likely stay in the mix. I think it would be most exciting for Boston to win the pennant seeing as how they've now (cleverly! strategically!) positioned themselves as the come-from-behind underdog sweethearts.

Sam: Oh, do you know who is not a sweetheart? That dude who was arrested at the mall.

Mike Leake is a klepto.  He stole six t-shirts while he had $250 bucks in his pocket.  He also makes $425,000/year.  Why are some athletes so fucking stupid? And who else would be put into this fraternity of dumbass jocks? 

Robin: I sorta have a feeling that Mike Leake might be BFFers with Lindsay "LiLo the Klepto" Lohan, cause like what the hell were they thinking? And Blowhan got to post bail and there will probably be some Congressional hearing about perjury and felonies and we'll probably learn that Mike Leake is doing performing enhancing drugs. (Wait, who is Mike Leake again, I didn't click on the link, I just wanted to rant about Halle James – one of the twins LiLo played in The Parent Trap). So like yeah, total imbecile, but if you're looking up to Kady Herron as an idol (I wonder if Mike Leake even knows who Lohan is, cause I sure as hell don't know who he is), than you can't really blame him for his dumbness. 

Jill: Think of the awesome power that a threesome between Leake, Linsday Lohan, and Winona Ryder would yield.  They would somehow be able to rob a bank just from the energy that their combined/corrupt special places would emit into the atmosphere. Okay, I think Leake has a problem; no one earns a six-figure salary and steals t-shirts simply out of stupidity.  Maybe it is for kicks or out of laziness or some mental issue. The fact that he was caught, however, with credit cards and $250 in cash IS stupid.  If you are going to steal shit for fun, at least hide your ability to pay for it. As for the frat, other members should include: Manny Ramirez, Social Chair (he has played everywhere and knows everyone after being caught for steroids three times in three places); Marvin Austin, Secretary (Prince of self-destructive documentation, including tweets and Facebook messages); Pete Rose, Treasurer (I bet this gamble will pay off?); Plaxico Burress, Vice President (shooting yourself in the thigh, ruining your career, and going to prison for two years earns you such a title); and Mike Tyson, President (no explanation necessary). 

Carrie: This is sort of the same deal as Wino Forever and the whole Saks thing. At least Winona had the sense to steal in the thousands of dollars of merch, but tee-shirts? Come on. But really, it is probably an instance of mental instability and something pretty seriously fucked up in Leake's brain that made him do it, so I feel like it cannot be flippantly discussed by the amateur likes of me. But? As luck would have it, I think $250 sounds like a fairly decent hourly rate to find a shrink and make sure it doesn't happen again, Mike.

Amber: HONESTLY, I feel like there is some bizarro sense of entitlement happening. Maybe he felt like he shouldn't have had to pay for the t-shirts. Maybe he just wanted thrills. Macy's though? Not even trendy, fancy American Apparel Pima Cotton? Silly. I feel like every recent scandalized athlete needs to be put in the fraternity. I have YET to hear a story where I think, "Damn, he was smart and slick with his shit. How did he get caught?" 

Sam: Speaking of people getting caught, there was some recent controversy surrounding two of basketball’s most infamous coaches.

Bobby Knight
started all kinds of hoopla by criticizing Kentucky, John Calipari, and the concept of "one and done." Thoughts?

Robin: Whether he should have used his ESPN "pulpit" to make such a statement is a different story than talking about what doesn't really seem like a lie. It is really a joke to call anything John Calipari touches credible or good. In fact most of it (i.e. the New Jersey Nets) turn to hell on earth. So like maybe they made the Final Four. Maybe one player graduated. Maybe the players ended in good academic standing (cause they have smart tutors), but that school is an NBA factory that pretends to be something else. I don't think that Bobby Knight owes the fans and alums an apology. I think Calipari owes an apology to the fans and alums for having to learn the truth from Bob Knight and not from their alma mater. There are basketball players that can read and write and do math. They go to Butler, not Kentucky.

Amber: He just straight up lied. From what I can tell, there was no thoughtful commentary on college athletes and their real role at universities, or them maybe not living the most rigorous of academic lives. So like, stop lying Bobby Knight. There is plenty wrong with college athletics without him making shit up.

Sam: Yeah, NCAA athletics are, for real, sleazy.  And Demp and Traci, the ‘rents, want me to get a degree. The softball thing probably isn't going to work out like baseball did for Buster...

Jill: The point isn't that Bob Knight lied or insulted John Calipari; it is that “one and done” is a huge problem, utilized by different schools in different ways, with varying degrees of shadiness and success.  Kentucky just happens to be the Overlord of One and Done, which is why Knight brought it up, even if his facts were incorrect.  Calipari is running a Division 1-level one-year basketball program for high schoolers who want to get their NBA degree.  One-and-done is bad for academics, team building, and universities – things that the NCAA is supposed to prioritize. You can choose to go to work or go to school at 18-years-old.  But once you become an amateur athlete and enroll in college, you should be required to stay there for at least two years.  And if you drop out early, you should have to repay the school for the scholarship.  Because this one-and-done thing is not working out well for sports. It is driving some athletes overseas and causing others to throw away an education for a dream that will never transpire.

Carrie: I am unfamiliar with this story. Am I to believe that Bobby Knight and John Calipari had a one night stand and Bobby was left wanting more? Because my "thoughts" on that are: we've all been there, Bobby. Suck it up and buy a carton of Ben and Jerrys. I highly recommend the new Late Night Snack flavor. In which there are chocolate covered POTATO CHIPS.

Sam: That sounds rather delicious. Maybe we can grab some sundaes after the batting cages and gym, but bitches have work to do first.  You ladies are still coming with me, right? Right? Hello? Well, tune in next week, while I figure out where the hell everyone went.


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