July 4, 2011

Happy Fourth of July (and other news to celebrate).

Today is one of my favorite days of the year.  For one, it is a built-in summer holiday.  The law rests on Independence Day (except for our nation’s favorite murderess of the moment, Casey Anthony). It is a time for barbecues and beer and swimming pools and sunshine and fireworks and hot dog eating contests and baseball. Baseball with commemoratively ugly hats. It is a time to curse those selfish bastards in England and remind them that there is no taxation without representation, bitches.  

Today, above all else, we must thank Paul Revere for warning the British with bells that they will not take our guns.  And we should also give an air high-five to all of the troops out there who protect our independence and freedom every day.  But, really, we wouldn’t be here without Paul and his bells. The day that Sarah Palin becomes president is the day when I finally move to Texas and lead the secession movement myself.  So, keep in mind that Independence Day may very well move to a different date in the future.  For now, however, July Fourth remains our nation’s birthday.  So pop open a cold one, gripe about how C.C. was left off the All-Star roster, and wrap yourself in an American flag. 

Shalom to Scheyer:  To celebrate the great U.S. of A, Jon Scheyer has moved to Israel.  He was “mobbed by fans at the airport upon his arrival.”  Stop giggling.  He is joining Maccabi Tel Aviv, which is apparently the Los Angeles Lakers of Israel. Seriously, they have only lost three championships in the past four decades.  So this is a big deal, I guess.  And if it wasn’t for Scheyer’s freak eye injury with Miami’s summer league team, he could perhaps be in the NBA.  So I blame Lebron.   
 
Selig v. Rodriguez, 2011: This is not something to celebrate as much as it is something to snicker at.  ARod is being investigated for playing poker with his buddies Leo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Tobey Maguire.  These high-stakes, $100,000 buy-in games came to light because Spiderman is being sued to recover money lost in the games by some hedge-fund Ponzi schemer.  Bud Selig, who warned Alex not to gamble back in 2005, has his panties in a bunch again.  Really, do we not have better things to do, Mr. Commissioner? For the record, ARod has ambiguously denied any involvement by saying that he would rather talk about “boxing.”  I mean, it was bound to happen.  We have almost gone a year now since his last investigation, and MLB needed to do something to spice things up during the dog days of summer.  Like an optical illusion to distract from Frank McCourt. 

Austin Hatch Update: The miraculous Austin Hatch, who was critically injured and lost his family in a plane crash two weeks ago, has improved significantly over the past few days.  His brain bruising has gone down and doctors are preparing to wake him from a medically induced coma.  Which is incredible news.  I also found a foundation that was set up on Austin’s behalf by his relatives through Caring Bridge; check it out and let’s try to help out him out in any way that we can.   


What else? Rafa lost Wimbledon to The Joker (boooo), the Yankees lost in extras to the Mets (while the Red Sox won on a walk-off walk – assholes), and oh yes, The Baseball Jesus is back.  Another reason to celebrate today.  I hope you have a good one, guys.

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