I am as likely to marry Mark Cuban as he is to own a Major League Baseball team. Sad, but true. And really, it makes no sense. We are both opinionated, competitive, sports-obsessed, not-ugly individuals, who only want to win and live happily ever after. We would be a perfect match. Sure, we would have heated arguments on a daily basis, but I also believe that the wild make-up sex would be totally worth it. And based upon my mad fantasy skillz, I am almost certain to bring the Mavericks at least three additional championships by our five-year anniversary. So, Mark, I am waiting for my ring.
I am telling you, this would work. It is just the odds of it happening are slim to none. First of all, he would have to move to New York, because there is no way in hell that I am moving to the conservative country of Texas. I feel like I could convince him of this, once I convince him to also buy the Mets. Second of all, there would be major trust issues. My loyalty to the Knicks and bias towards all things Duke would probably get in the way of our marital business decisions. Like Bud Selig, Mark always thinks he is right. He needs to be in the limelight, while I am content with basking in its peripheral glow. This would create problems. I do not want a loud, obnoxious husband who does not know when to let things go. And, unfortunately, Major League Baseball feels the same way.
It always has. I mean, Cuban had one of the highest bids for the Chicago Cubs and the Texas Rangers; he certainly drove up the price of both franchises. But even if he hadn’t been outbid by Nolan Ryan and company, the way that baseball is set up inhibits him from ever really having a shot at a team. Because if and when he finally buys one, 23 of 30 owners must subsequently approve of his ownership. Which means that 76.67% of Major League Baseball’s Conservative Club of Selig Worshippers has to give him the thumbs up. This is as likely to happen as Pete Rose succeeding Bud when he steps down (in approximately 2026).
Listen, I get it, old traditional baseball-owner types of people who are reading this. He is more jet-setting playboy than you are used to. He promised the NBA that he would mind his own business and remain on the sidelines and, well, he did not exactly keep his word. As an owner, he is extremely outspoken. He challenges his opponents and the ideas he does not agree with – which is why I adore him. But if Selig could approve of Frank McCourt, who was embroiled in debt when he entered the picture back in 2004, he should find a way to get Cuban through the door. Oh, don’t get me wrong, Frank has rivals. Does everyone remember the ever delightful Marge Schott? Charles Comiskey? Charlie Finley? I mean, those morons were allowed to own teams. So why not Cuban?
The sad part is, Major League Baseball needs him. It would benefit from having Mark Cuban as part of its fraternity of rich assholes. He is a tremendous owner who seems to really care about his club; I respect him. It is why I made the marriage comparison in the first place. With realignment on the table and all of the other professional leagues in labor unrest, we could use his creative spark. For the sake of baseball, Cuban would immediately bring excitement back to Los Angeles. He would lend them much-needed financial credibility. He is just bossy and over-involved enough to clean up the mess that Frank McCourt has left behind.
What are we afraid of here? That he will spend too much money and fuck up the scintillating National League West? Please. Once we are married, I would dare him in a provocative manner to try and build the New York Yankees of the West Coast. I would taunt him that the Dodgers used to be rivals, back when they were, you know, in New York and actual rivals. Go ahead and spend $200 million and see if it’s all that easy to win 27 World Championships. But I must give him some credit. Because Mark Cuban is already a champion. And he will soon have the ring (or bracelet) to prove it. I just don’t think he will ever have one with a baseball team’s logo on it, unless he buys one from Lenny Dykstra on Ebay. So everyone loses. But God help him if he tried to pull the bracelet crap with me. As soon as he said, “Engagement rings are done, it’s time to take it to the next level,” I would be gone. But it is really unfortunate that Bud Selig won’t even let Mark Cuban get down on one knee.