You know, now that you and Ms. Kelly have ended your relationship, it only seems logical that you are looking for a fun, no-strings-attached, let’s watch some baseball and make out, sort of rebound fling. I would just like to say that I am totally cool with that and volunteering myself. I mean, you have tapped everything from bunt singles to Mariah Carey. So I am fully cognizant of the fact that you have a coloring box full of bright choices out there. But maybe we can work something out. I think that I am at least somewhat more entertaining than anyone involved with the movie Glitter.
You have probably never heard of CDTF, so you thankfully have no idea that I may or may not refer to you as the Baseball Jesus. That I kind of perhaps maybe idolized you as a teenager. That seeing your 3,000th hit from the first row at the Stadium sort of topped being at Game 6 of the 2009 ALCS (and maybe losing my virginity). And that now, as a 28-year-old, you define the game of baseball for me and how it should be played. I feel like I needed to get the crazy obsessive stuff out of the way, so that you will perhaps forget about it by the end of this letter.
monster season. I completely understand that you work a lot, that you need to travel, and that you like your independence. That works perfectly for me, because I am pretty much always in court, meeting with amusing immigrant clients, kicking ass at beer pong or playing softball with my friends, reading Harry Potter, writing semi-ridiculous blog posts, or dominating my fantasy baseball league. We are busy people. I end most relationships because guys do not seem to understand that I have a life outside of them; however, I don’t think this will be a problem for you. High five.
every year. I would invite you to join me on September 18th, but I feel like you are going to be somewhere on the West Coast. I totally would have put out afterwards, so that kind of sucks for you. But maybe next year.
incredible memories, I just really think that we could make a lot more together. I am off to work now, but before I go, I just want to say congrats for breaking Mickey Mantle’s record for most games played as a Yankee. It may not sound as sexy as The 3,000 Hit Club, but it is just as admirable, if not more so. Good luck for the rest of the season, and I really look forward to hearing from you. Please note that it must happen before Mark Cuban gets down on one knee with my engagement bracelet. Thanks.