August 30, 2011

An Open Invitation to Derek Jeter. Yes, that kind.



 
You know, now that you and Ms. Kelly have ended your relationship, it only seems logical that you are looking for a fun, no-strings-attached, let’s watch some baseball and make out, sort of rebound fling.  I would just like to say that I am totally cool with that and volunteering myself.  I mean, you have tapped everything from bunt singles to Mariah Carey.  So I am fully cognizant of the fact that you have a coloring box full of bright choices out there.  But maybe we can work something out.  I think that I am at least somewhat more entertaining than anyone involved with the movie Glitter.

You have probably never heard of CDTF, so you thankfully have no idea that I may or may not refer to you as the Baseball Jesus.  That I kind of perhaps maybe idolized you as a teenager.  That seeing your 3,000th hit from the first row at the Stadium sort of topped being at Game 6 of the 2009 ALCS (and maybe losing my virginity).  And that now, as a 28-year-old, you define the game of baseball for me and how it should be played.  I feel like I needed to get the crazy obsessive stuff out of the way, so that you will perhaps forget about it by the end of this letter.

You seem like a simple guy.  Baseball comes first, and then there is some sort of race for second between your family, friends, privacy, women, laughing, philanthropy, and occasionally making ARod look like an ass.  I support all of those things. And when everyone was inanely predicting your premature “demise,” I was expecting a monster season.  I completely understand that you work a lot, that you need to travel, and that you like your independence.  That works perfectly for me, because I am pretty much always in court, meeting with amusing immigrant clients, kicking ass at beer pong or playing softball with my friends, reading Harry Potter, writing semi-ridiculous blog posts, or dominating my fantasy baseball league. We are busy people. I end most relationships because guys do not seem to understand that I have a life outside of them; however, I don’t think this will be a problem for you. High five.

I don’t know you at all, but I feel like we have a lot in common.  At the very least, it would be fun to find out over, I don’t know, drinks in a dark corner at Ward III?  Like you, I was raised in a close-knit family, where education came first and little league second.  I like to think that I am still disciplined as an adult because of it, and I only have my parents to thank for that, but who really knows? I have had my fair share of drama over the years (my roaring twenties, if you will), and as a result, I try to avoid it at all costs now.  I live by the old Wayne Gretzky saying “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” as well as the lyrics to “Defying Gravity” from the Broadway smash Wicked. Although I enjoy the occasional club, you are more likely to find me sipping a Magner’s in a sports bar or pub.  Along the same lines, I can rock the hell out of some stilettos and a hot skirt, but my ideal uniform would probably be a wife-beater and sweatpants. And just to be clear, I am a perfectionist and I cannot stand to lose; if this is a problem for you then we will probably fight a lot, but the make-up sex will be fantastic. What else? I can juggle, I make a mean chicken parm, I am a die-hard Blue Devil, and I volunteer at the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure every year.  I would invite you to join me on September 18th, but I feel like you are going to be somewhere on the West Coast.  I totally would have put out afterwards, so that kind of sucks for you. But maybe next year. 

Don’t freak out or anything. Like I said, no strings attached. And unlike most of my friends, I am in absolutely no rush to get married. When it happens, it happens. But regardless of your response, which I am sure that I will receive promptly, I just want you to know that I think you are a great guy and I consider it a privilege to watch you play baseball every day for the Yankees. You have already given me some incredible memories, I just really think that we could make a lot more together.  I am off to work now, but before I go, I just want to say congrats for breaking Mickey Mantle’s record for most games played as a Yankee. It may not sound as sexy as The 3,000 Hit Club, but it is just as admirable, if not more so.  Good luck for the rest of the season, and I really look forward to hearing from you.  Please note that it must happen before Mark Cuban gets down on one knee with my engagement bracelet.  Thanks.

     XOXO,

2 comments:

  1. Pathetic... in a hysterically funny way (so... mission accomplished?).

    Though in all fairness, Jeter would be nuts not to come running (well, now that he's installed those little wheels on his walker, at least moving more quickly than during the first half of his season).

    As he said, when confronted by Rick Reilly about the photo and phone number from a current Miss Universe in his mail box, "Dude, I'm not going down that Miss Universe road again." (As Reilly says, "Has that sentence ever been uttered before?"). I think Jeter's got to be pretty close to wanting a real relationship with a real (and vaguely superior to all the others he's dated) woman.

    Here's hoping he's got some smart friends who know someone who reads CDTF.

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  2. What's not to like?

    - MM

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