October 27, 2011

I am being an Assclown for Halloween.

After much thought, I have decided to dress up as John Lackey for Halloween. I struggled with this decision for weeks - long before The Fabulous Penguin sent me the (fabulous) above-pictured e-card.  At first, I tried to convince my brother and my best friend/gay husband Carl to be Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, so that I could be a somewhat slutastic version of Hermione Granger.  (Come on. It is Halloween - a woman's excuse to sex up any costume from a Ziploc bag to a homeless person). Carl balked because, according to him, "Harry Potter can't be black." I vehemently disagreed and tried to persuade him with a wand and round glasses.  No luck.  That is when I came up with the idea of being John Lackey.  
Again, I tried to convince my brother and Carl to join me as Beckett and Lester, but they were not as excited about this as I was. The one thing stopping me was my refusal to spend money in any way that could be construed as support for the Sox. It is one thing to buy a "Suck it Boston" shirt, which I proudly wear all over the city; it's another thing entirely to purchase a genuine Red Sox hat. I would rather light a $20 bill on fire.  And I'd feel like a dirty whore wearing such a thing, even if just for Halloween. What if the Baseball Jesus senses my treason and it affects him psychologically? We can't have that.  So, out of pinstriped loyalty (and like most of Red Sox Nation), I gave up on John Lackey.

I wracked my brain for days trying to think of something better, but to no avail.  It eventually led to this conversation with Carl, from last night:
It made me laugh.  Carl would be the first person to tell you that there is very little about his life that has been "limited" - except for Halloween, apparently.  He is still undecided and I am still trying to persuade him that, black or not, he will make an excellent Josh Beckett.  I have less than four days to make this happen. Regardless, have no fear, I will post Halloween photos accordingly. 

Enjoy your Thursdays, stay out of the rain, and please check back tomorrow when there will (hopefully) be baseball to discuss.

UPDATE (7:14 p.m.): Major props to T Fab P, who suggested in the comments that Carl should be Big Papi for Halloween.  A fucking plus. 


  1. So, why can't Carl be a disgruntled, selfish Big Papi. He could walk around with a scowl on his face, interupting press conferences, moaning about not being in the line up or how that error cost him an RBI, and wear a Yankee cap because he thinks the Yankees would like to have him...

  2. Do you realize that without the September Suckitude of the Sox [TM] and the column-yards you have been able to gleefully dedicate to it, you would have been stuck talking about how just plain crappy the Yankees were (again) in the post-season? And I was so looking forward to even one column about the post-season Yankees (frankly, starting with the last regular season game - their "helping" usher the Sox out was also the beginning of their demise). Thoughts? Comments?
    PS - you better post a pic of the Halloween costume. And for god's sake, don't try to slut up Lackey. That would just be wrong.

  3. Sorry SFSF,
    we do it because we can and you can't. There is nothing, NO-THING, like celebrating the demise of the opponent. You can't mean that you did not gloat in 2004? You did not gloat in 2007? when ARod and Pettitte stuck needles in their asses. The jokes and snide comments, and column inches will continue for a while, at least until you do something great before. I mean one can only be lucky enough for cries of "1918" once a lifetime. Don't worry, the Sox will be back in the mix in not more than 8-10 years...

    So, sit back, relax, and pass the fried chicken and beer - sorry I couldn't resist.

  4. 1. I can't believe I didn't think of that! Of COURSE Carl should be Big Papi. Brilliance! He is about 1/10th of Papi's size and would be appalled at having chin-strap facial hair, but it is sort of perfect.

    2. Oh Sanfran. While, yes, it would suck to not have fried chicken and beer to discuss for weeks on end, I would rather the Yankees play "plain crappy...(again) in the post-season" than not play in the post-season at all. But I know it has been two years, and you may have forgotten what it is like to be part of the playoffs.

    3. I plan on discussing the future of the Yankees/what went wrong this year, after the World Series ends. I am procrastinating, yes.

    4. It would be impossible to slut up Lackey, as that would imply someone actually wants to have sex with him.

    5. I love reading about Boston's implosions, both past and present, SO much that I have gone back and researched blogs/newspapers from 2003 just to relive Aaron Boone all over again. 2004, of course, is another story...

    6. Sanfran (and any other interested party), have you read Ball Four? TFab, CollegeBoy, and I are going to discuss it. You should join us.