December 22, 2011

Ryan Braun: Dirty Pee Test or Dirty Penis? (And other random thoughts).

CDTF is back. My sincere apologies for the absence (I had what felt like swine flu and about sixteen court hearings over the past two weeks). What better way to kick things off than to talk about a few of my favorite things? Baseball, scandals, Ryan Braun, and his penis. 

When I saw that Ryan Braun had tested positive for PEDs, I almost lost it.  Please. I wasn’t shocked or anything.  I was angry.  I wish I could say that I was angry because he is a fraud or, worse, may have cheated.  Nope. I do not have sound morals, let’s be serious.  I was irate because my new favorite player, the MVP of Joe Girardi’s Braces – the SOLE reason I lobbied for a keeper league all season – could be sitting out for 50 games.  I mean, good god, he was a fantasy baseball wet dream.  Homers, steals, hits, total bases, RBIs, walks, batting average, he has it all.  After I got over my initial rage, my first thought was: would you keep/draft him anyway? (Yes). My second thought was: hopefully, the lord told Adrian Gonzalez to take steroids, too. 

For what it’s worth, Braun has strenuously denied using PEDs.  In fact, this whole scandal may just be the result of his dirty, dirty penis. There are rumors swirling around that my MVP has HPV, i.e. herpes.  He apparently tested positive for it, and the medication he was prescribed caused his testosterone levels to shoot through the roof.  This could explain Braun’s silence on the matter; his attorneys plan to vigorously pursue the person who leaked the story under a violation of his HIPAA rights.  This could also explain why my team tanked the final week of the season after going undefeated; our entire virtual clubhouse was infected with fucking herpes. 

December 7, 2011

Duke, Our Racist Pilgrims, and a CSU Blowout.

After we got our asses handed to us by Ohio State, it seems rather predictable that Duke will take out any lingering frustration and embarrassment tonight on the poor Rams of Colorado State. And I look forward to such a cakewalk blowout. As I sit here watching the first half, however, I do not find myself admiring Mason Plumlee’s thundering dunks or the game’s blistering pace or Duke’s stifling defense; instead, I am mesmerized by this ridiculous editorial in The Chronicle.

By now, I am sure many of you have already read sophomore Nicole Daniels’s guest column. I have lived under a rock for the past few days – mind you, a rock filled with six court hearings, a 30th birthday party attended by a porn star, and approximately 86 pages of legal writing – but I heard rumblings about it. Thank god I didn’t have time to read it before now, because I would have been unable to control my urge to mock it and I really didn’t have time for such a thing. The full editorial is posted below in italics; my comments are in brackets:

On Nov. 19, I was looking forward to attending a party that Pi Kappa Phi was hosting that night on Central Campus. That is, until my friend nonchalantly texted me that the event’s theme was “Pilgrims and Indians.”

[I mean, from her very first words we know that she is woefully misguided and perhaps even a little confused. No one looks forward to parties on Central Campus].

The following is an excerpt from the fraternity’s email invitation: “In 1621 some crazy pilgrims had a pretty brutal harvest. Word on the street was they didn’t have enough food for half the bros in Plymouth. Then some hot natives came along with some extra food.… On Saturday, the brothers of Pi Kappa Phi will be honoring that party spirit. There will be a cornucopia of treats in our modern-day teepee. Tap into your inner pocahotness, wear a few feathers and party like you don’t care if you survive the winter.”

[Until the last sentence, the only things that bothered me about Pi Kappa Phi’s invitation were its grammar and punctuation. But the last sentence? It riled me. It made me want to go to the damn party. It reminded me of how much I miss college. I was already picturing what I would wear to such an event: a suede skirt, eye black war paint, a home-made wife-beater with some offensive/catchy phrase (i.e, “Christopher Columbus banged my grandmother” or “Use protection. Carry a bow and arrow”), and slutty heels. Clearly, I would work a feather in there somewhere, too. I mean, the last sentence of the invitation is why I normally think Duke students have an uncanny knack for wittiness. But then I kept reading the op-ed and remembered that some of us are douchebags after all]. 

December 1, 2011

The Opposite of “Awesome:” A Big Fine Mess for Jim Boeheim. (Updated)

Last night, at a birthday dinner for one of my very good friends, I realized the extent of my frustration with Jim Boeheim.  We were at this incredible family-style restaurant Rubirosa, surrounded by heaping bowls of fresh sage ravioli, meatballs, vodka sauce pizza, hand-rolled pasta with sausage ragu, crisped calamari, mozzarella sticks the size of cucumbers, and never-ending bottles of Prosecco. It was like a scene out of The Sopranos except with nine attractive women and one smallish man.  The smallish man is a great guy – who happens to be a graduate of Syracuse.  We always talk sports when we see each other, so it was inevitable that the Bernie Fine scandal would come up.  And I couldn’t help myself.  When I asked him what he thought of Jim Boeheim’s press conference, his answer instantly riled me. I kept myself in check, but I didn’t even see the sudden burst of are-you-fucking-kidding-me coming.  His response?  “It was awesome.”

Let’s establish from the start, I do not think that Jim Boeheim deserves to be fired…yet.  I think he is a great coach who has built an otherwise commendable program. But if he keeps up this overly cocky, flippant, and oblivious attitude towards the storm clouds hovering over his team, my opinion will quickly change.  I mean, “storm clouds” just may be the worst synonym for “regular molestation of little boys” that one has ever written.  When I said this at dinner, my friend replied, “But that attitude is just Jim Boeheim’s thing.” Yeah, I’m sorry.  If there is only one situation in which his “thing” would be uncalled for, it is the one that includes the regular molestation of little boys.  Especially after we just watched a similarly horrific scandal bring down the legend that was Joe Paterno.