I am off to the Tribeca Tap House to watch the Giants take on the Patriots for round two of the Best Super Bowl Ever. My heart has been pounding since approximately Friday at 6:00 p.m. when I asked my boss what he was doing for the Super Bowl and he responded, “When is it?” I am not sure if things have been that crazy at work or if he is just the antithesis to the sports crazy I bring to the office every day. Either way, I am psyched for the game.
The way I see it? The Giants have little to lose. We have already seen this game and we won it the first time. If the Pats win? Eh, it still won’t mean as much as Super Bowl 42. Will I be disappointed? Of course. Against all odds, the Giants worked their asses off to get here. But no matter how the game ends, no matter if it is an absolute blowout, it will not be as gut-wrenchingly amazing as Eli’s Miracle Escape and the Tyree Helmet Catch. Nevertheless, the Giants will win today because:
- Eli Manning’s mancrush on the Baseball Jesus > Tom Brady’s mancrush on the Baseball Jesus. I apparently have competition for Derek Jeter’s next swag basket.
- The Curse of Gisele is real.
- Bill Belichick, while an evil genius, is genuinely an asshole.
- No, really, he is a huge asshole. Poor Tiquan. And I don’t say that because of his hair.
- Madonna is rooting for the Giants and no one fucks with Madge, fake British accent or not. (I know I am in the minority, but I am as excited for the half-time show as I am about the game).
- “Yo Tengo un Ankle-o Injured-o.”
- Eli needs a second ring for his other middle finger so when he tells everyone that thought he was just “The Other Manning” to go fuck themselves, he can really put an exclamation point on it.
- The Pats are only here because the Ravens wet the bed, causing the majority of the plane, on our way home from the Dominican Republic, to collectively boo. Also? New England did not beat one team with a winning record during the regular season.
- The House That Peyton Built is formally transitioning to the House Where Peyton Once Resided. Who better to light it on fire than his little brother?
- Tom Brady has become too pretty for football. And he calls people “babe.”
- Brian Cashman really needs the New York media to have something else to focus on and celebrate over the next few weeks. (Look for an upcoming CDTF post dedicated to the horny elf’s “stalking” scandal).
- Our front four is more fun than the Final Four.
- Eli raised eyebrows when he compared himself to Tom Brady at the start of the season. As this genius at Bleacher Report wrote: “No. He. Didn't. Eli Manning went on the Michael Kay Show, which airs on ESPN New York 1050, and put himself in the same class as Tom Brady. Seriously. I can't make something like this up. If you want to listen to the whole thing, go here. But I have to warn you, this is not a work-appropriate link. You will laugh hard enough to draw unnecessary attention to yourself."
Yes. He. Did. And then Eli only went on to have the best season of his career. Today is the perfect opportunity to prove, once and for all, that he is not in the same class as Tom Brady, he outclasses him.
- All of the pressure is on the Pats, especially Tom Terrific who has sucked so far this post-season and is haunted by the ghost of recent failures (and perhaps Myra Kraft?).
- We have a trifecta of terrifying receivers in Cruz-Manningham-Nicks, while the Patriots have a mediocre secondary.
- I can see the Ticker Tape parade from my apartment window. Let’s do this. Again.
Final Score: Giants 31, Pats 24. (Also? Go Blue Devils!)